Three Shades of Awesome

So I met this girl, this, well this really hot girl! Well I assume she’s hot. I don’t know if she’s actually hot, we haven’t met, I haven’t seen a picture yet. But, wow she has a hot mind! Like, a really just, hot mind. Wow, I’m, I’m so stoked, wow. I can’t, well I can’t even think straight really, yah nothing straight about my thinking, nothing at all, wow. Wow. Just such a hot mind!

We met on this news paper site, her screen name was Skirting the Law isn’t that the best screen name ever? It’s like, feminine, but not girly. Like, lady like, but kind of cheeky. Intelligent yet common. I mean, brilliant. Wow. She’s really coy, and I don’t know why but coy just makes me want to dig deeper you know! Like, all I can say is wow!

Like I said, this news paper site. We were discussing this, this well, this case my sister was actually on. I can’t go into the details really, you know, some villain might read this. But, anyway my sister convinced the judge to let the kid put his Wii up for bail. The kid’s Wii! All these people were like just, they were mad! Super mad really! Something about the revolving door of the system, and you know at first I was mad too. My sister does a lot of things that make me mad. Like this time when we were kids, I was trying to sleep, and in the next room she starts playing this DVD super loud, with the surround sound on, and just like super obnoxious and everything, my sister’s like that just like when she decides to be inconsiderate, she just goes all out. Frankly before she’s had three cups of coffee in the morning she boarders on evil genius territory! Wait where was I?

Right, so this kid puts up his Wii for bail, or collateral or, well, it was something, something where they wouldn’t normally take a Wii. I mean Wii economics are not big in the Criminal Justice system. Least, not as far as I know, though it would explain a lot. Anyway so all these people, these good suburban people are getting mad on the internet, cause that’s where suburban people go to talk about how mad they are, though they’re not mad at what they say they’re mad at, they’re more mad at the things they can’t say they’re mad at, like their spouse spending too much time at work, or their kids who aren’t allowing them to live vicariously through them, or their pets which act more like animals than ornaments, that sorta stuff.

So these people are angry. “This lawyer is awful, this makes a mockery of the Justice System… there need to be tougher men on the bench… this is what happens when you let bleeding heart liberals into the government… my wife hasn’t let me touch her in three years!” That sorta stuff. But then, then there was like, it was like a heavenly breathe of fresh air. She pointed out that the Wii was actually probably the kid’s most prized possession. The fact was at his age it probably meant more to him than a stack of his parent’s money. She pointed out that the parents probably didn’t have any money to put up for bail, so if anything it would have just cost the tax payers more money to pay for the kid’s care in the system, and if anything being in that sort of environment would probably only encourage him to reoffend.

It was, it was beautiful, it was thoughtful, it was, it was so considerate. The words just jumped off the screen. It’s as if she realized that this young child had just gotten off to the wrong start, as if she was aware that maybe if he just, just maybe received some love, care, and affection, that maybe the boy would be alright! Maybe he could grow up to be anything? Like a doctor, or a fireman, or a business man, or even a superhero! It’s, well it’s like she just knew, all people need is the right chances.

My heart just leapt when I commented back. We went back and forth, and we got a whole lot more yelling going on with the suburban folk. One of them called us granola eating hippies, and another said we were probably gang members, and so on and so forth. In the end things got a little heated, so we decided to stay off. I was kind of disappointed our virtual romance/combat, was cut short, but a few days later I saw her replying to another legal article. That’s when I noticed, all the posts had links to the poster’s email address! Sure enough my angel or the internet had an email address! Oh rapture, oh wonder! I felt, I felt sure that this was it. I clicked the link, and I tried to wipe the sweat from my palms! This was it, I needed to not screw it up. This could be it, a healthy relationship, a normal relationship, no flying, no crime fighting, just an honest person, who seemed to like my brain, we could go out for coffee, we could walk through the city streets at night! Heck, Id’ even move to the suburbs with her and suffer all those angry bitter people with picket fences!

And… then… well then I hit send. It’s, it’s been a few days… I really hope she writes back.

Smile smile,
And they’ll never see,
Just smile smile,
And you’ll always be.
Smile smile,
Don’t let them know,
Just smile smile,
The holes in your heart.

Laugh and jest,
Till their eye moves over,
Dance and point,
In the direction that hurts the last,
Smile smile,
Don’t let them know,
Smile and laugh,
The holes they sow.

Smile as the tear falls down,
Rub your eyes as if you’re tired!
Laugh so loud to mask the blush,
And smile smile,
So they never see.

Tears dry up,
As the pace it slows.
Collapse you wondrous clown,
And sleep tonight,
Where they’ll never see.

So, tonight I worked on the drawing for Church this week, you can check em out on my Flickr page or on Facebook if you’re my friend (or someone who Facebook considers my friend and who I haven’t “defriended”) they’re all pretty well… well they’re pretty.  This is a redo I did of the one I drew over a year ago for “How Deep the Fathers Love”  correction, I did about 11 months ago.  So not quite a year.  Wow I haven’t even been drawing for the Church for a full year.  At the same time in a lot of ways it feels like it’s only been a few months.  As you can see I’ve gotten a lot better.  Though in all fairness this one is done by taking the old one which was already good in it’s own right, and giving it a totally different feel.

Actually every graphic this Sunday will be new, they’re doing a few songs that I already had good ones for, but after I finished the two for this week that were new since I started doing drawings, I just wanted to give them all the same sorta feel, this way they all look almost painted.  There are very few marker like solid black lines, everything’s given a softer brush like feel.  I’m actually really proud of it all… I imagine nobody’ll even notice but that’s actually preferable.  I’d rather they just see the art, not think too much about it and just focus on the song.

At the same time, this whole redraw really kind of shows my approach to life now.  Sadly I don’t get to redo the way I look, but I’m still redefining myself to be more true to who I am.  This week’s realization is that I’m a brilliant flirt when I stop being so damned insecure and stop assuming nobody would want me.  It’s weird because I don’t like to be presumptuous, but the funny thing is, today on a site to get to know other homos, (no I’m not telling you which one it is!) today I just decided to be more out going but not in the hey do you want to talk to me sort of manner, but more in the hey who are you I’m assuming right now you want me talking to you so take that suckafoo!  Well… that approach.  And I got the phone numbers of two really cute boys… and I got another guy that’s well… total knock out, granted that’s a more friendly one but still, I’m much more used to guys like that blowing me off, so today was good in that regard.

It’s funny, the last few days have all been blending together, I’ve been absorbed into downloaded episodes of Smallville… (oh and since my last post I think at least five characters have been accidentally impaled) and in a lot of ways all the days are blending together.  I haven’t been getting up and going and doing anything, partly because most of the time that involves spending money and I’m trying to be good with my cash right now.

It’s strange, now that I have so much time on my hands, I’m not getting nearly as much done as I’d idealize.  I haven’t written any more for my book, this is the first day I’ve drawn, I haven’t even spent much time with friends.  In a lot of ways it’s been depressing, but at the same time, I haven’t been terribly depressed, just lonely.

At the same time today I got to hang out with Logan, Logan like human prosaic, he really is.  Always makes me feel better… even if he is a jerk and ignores me for Facebook… on my own computer… what a jerk.  It was actually really good because I got a reply to an email that I sent Dan forever ago, and I think it woulda made me emo, but Logan was good to talk to, best quote, “The worst part is, he’s happy!  Wait, that sounds bad…”  That’s the hard part for me, Dan’s moved on and not only has he moved on, but he’s found someone to be happy with.  He’s learned to be happy, and in so many ways he wouldn’t have gotten to that point without me, or at least not nearly as quickly or as well.  And it just really sucks to put all that work into a person, to be the person who made it so they could be honest and happy, and then to watch as someone else makes them happy and to watch as they start to be honest with someone else.

I mean it’s nothing new.  Jeremy is in a much better place as a result of knowing me, Josh, any number of people from Adullam, heck several friends from College, nobody will ever tell you that knowing me was something they regret.  They may tell you they think I’m a huge asshole, they may tell you they’d sooner eat an electric eel than be friends with me again, but they’ll never wish that it hadn’t happened, not ever.

So, today, I continue the process of refinement of myself, I paint over that which was here before, I take out things I don’t like, and I learn to appreciate those parts I never did before, and more than anything, I stay honest to who I am, I strive to love others without condition, and I enjoy a life that doesn’t always seem right or good.

I’m in a rather strange, if not goofy mood tonight.  I wrote a tell off letter, mostly in jest to someone with whom I’m no longer friends.  It was pointed and flaky, and the whole thing made little sense.

Indeed today I slept, I slept a great deal, till two or three, none but the birds shall recount!  You’d say it was a substance but indeed what substance could inspire this?  Such whimsy and sorrow wrapped neatly in a powdered blue bonnet.  You’d think there was truth buried under sands of confused twisting turning hour glass fillings.

I had lunch, with someone I haven’t seen in a good long while, you don’t know them, they said I didn’t know them, but they didn’t know me, yet we’d known each other so well.  He said I didn’t listen while he talked of me not listening, I stopped listening because he wouldn’t hear me talk, and all the while I think the waiter stared.  He was a cute waiter, we shared the same named, I’d rather have shared the same table, because the table I shared, was not shared at all, it was merely a thin wooden veil hiding nothing but the sound of my heart beating too fast for my eyes to stand, so I sat briefly with my briefs up on a toilet seat until composure returned, and I returned, but did not speak, though words were uttered I did not speak, I did not speak until I walked home and my new smile spoke loudly to the sky.

I came home if that’s what you’ll call it, there’s candles and boxes, and cables and cables and cables, but no memories that make a home a home, but I turn the keys and I sleep the bed, so this must be home, where I came.  I laid, I watched Smallville, no one was impaled today, perhaps next week, I’ll watch tomorrow, perhaps tonight, nobody’s been accidentally impaled recently.  Last time was last season, and oh my this is fun.

I could have gone out, gone out and had fun, I would have had fun, but I didn’t think I’d have fun, I didn’t have fun the last two times, though to be honest I’d have likely had fun.  I finally have friends, or near friends, are they friends?  Some are friends, some are near, yet I kept so far.  The theme of the day seemed to be not listening, and the music would have been so loud, I’m not sure I could have listened, and I so wanted to listen so I did not go.  I stayed home, where it was silent.

I went on the internet, to the places young men go, who are not understood by normal young men, to meet other young men who don’t understand themselves, it’s OK if you don’t understand, neither do I.  But I sat and I talked, to Wolverine777, his name was Dan, but all Dans are evil, he did protest, yet I wielded anecdote like a sword of truth, and his relatations if that be a word, rested on the fact, he claimed to be a Danny.  For apparently Dans are not made, but shortened, he claims Daniels may be evil, but Dannys are a different breed.  They cherish sunshine orange walls, and they enjoy mornings and blonde hair, and they enjoy the number 7.  I don’t trust him, yet he made me smile, smile through so much misery wrought by ears that indeed did hear all the false accusations, such accusations they weigh so heavily… I always listen.

Then on to Facebook, with a smile and a laugh, a lark was had by all, and all consisted of two, two who could be one, if only the second was not 5 months already two in one, it’s all a jest, but find the sliver, he’s quite exceptional.  Hour upon hour, or was it minute upon second?  Don’t ask me how long, ask me how I smiled?  No hands were held, no commitments made, nothing certain yet so much true.  It was all meaningless yet so cathartic.   I was brilliant if only in absurdity.  But absurdity is where I laid my insecurity and beat it with with a cartoon mallet.

I mean, ultimately this is a side effect of being unemployed.  For however bad the modern day 40 hour+ work week may be for people, it certainly gives them something to do.  I phoned Dan today, (insert groaning audience response here) and I found out some stuff that, was kinda good kinda, yah… but it left me with a weird after taste.  There’s like, the longing, the addiction, etc that’s still kinda there, that compulsive desire to talk with him, but back in september or october when we’d talk, I’d end the conversation feeling lifted and happy, now I just feel like, disconnected, far off, it’s like I reach out, and he’s not even trying to push me away, but it’s just, it’s gone.

In some sense it’s good that I can know that, and be aware of it, in another sense, I’m kind of left jonesing for a hit of something that’s unfulfilling.  Now that things have calmed down in my life, what I really want is that sense of intimacy that I used to get from talking to him, but now it’s well it’s something significantly less.  Not even just because he’s not romantically into me, but, it’s just like I know, I need to  move on.  But something keeps lingering, we talked tonight, and he’s seeing someone, and you can kinda tell he feels a little awkward talking to me about it, which is good I feel awkward hearing about it, yet I kept asking questions?  Anyway, but it’s just, part of me I think kept wanting him to suddenly realize I was better than this guy.  I mean, I’ve got no reason to think I would be, aside from my normal over confidence, but part of me just wanted that intimacy back.

I guess, for the last month or so I’ve been pretty content with non-intimacy.  I haven’t really even wanted a close connection with any new eligible guys, I just was very happy being me.  But the last couple of days that sense has been eroding.  It’s funny my long term perspective has changed, but my near term one feels like all I want right now is for someone to look at me like they want me.  I don’t even really care who it is, or why, I just want to feel like I matter to someone as more than a friend.   It’s like I’ve got a craving.

Part of me is glad I talked to Dan, because I feel a bit more like we’re on OK talking terms, at the same time, part of me just wishes that I could get out move on, it’d be great if I could meet someone, and then that would be my excuse for not thinking of him.  And that’s just wrong, it’s more of the same cycle that I’ve been refusing to break.  I keep doing and thinking the same old things, the only way to get over a guy is to like another guy, I keep replacing Josh, when what I should be doing is being in love with myself.  I mean, I’m a great guy.  Am I the sexiest man on the planet?  Nope, by TV standards I’m pretty ugly, but I’ve got a beautiful if troubled soul, I’ve got a very kind heart, I’m clever, I’m kind, I’m talented, there’s a lot to be content with.  So why do I spend so much time wishing someone other than me would appreciate me?

I was actually thinking on monday, what a beautiful suicide I’d committed, I’d ended my job, I was on the path to refusing to conform to these romantic roles and positions that our culture forces on us, I’d thrown away nearly everything that we define ourselves with, and yet there was still so much of me left, and I was so smugly content.

Yesterday I’d txted Dan, which was a silly thing to do, and after he’d mentioned being in a sorta relationship, I confess I felt like I got the air knocked out of me.  I went and laid down rather depressed, and I actually prayed, “God please take care of my heart, help me focus on that which is good for me,” and on and on.  I fell asleep shortly after, and I had a very strange dream.

In the dream there was me, Judi (the administrator at my Church) and Steve, the sr. pastor at the Church I got kicked out of.  It’s weird cause it’s very rare that I have dreams about people I know, even rarer that I still dream about the Church I left nearly three years ago… or over three years?  I can’t count.  Anyway, in the dream Judi asked the two of us,

“What would you rather preach, God’s power, or God’s _____” the _____ is there because the word I want to say is Freedom, but part of me says it was Grace, part of me feels it was hope, the word she asked was something beyond a word but so much more of a concept.

In my dream Steve chose power, and I chose ______, and we argued until I woke up.  I thought about it more today, and I realized that when dream Judi said power, she was talking about not only the power of God to do amazing things, and our inability to limit Him, but I also realized that in preaching about God’s power, we align ourselves with might, and we make God into an agent of “Might makes right!”  We fashion for ourselves a divine hubris, this arrogance, of my heavenly father can beat up your heavenly father, is disturbing and yet so common in Christianity.  God is not anything but a battery of power that we can batter those who disagree with us with.  He becomes our power to wield and destroy with.

Preaching God’s ____ however, is so much more open.  You can’t hurt someone by telling them rather than God having the power to change them into whatever I want them to be, He instead has this amazing love that allows Him to cherish sex trade workers and soccer moms alike!  He’s so profoundly wonderful that he can look past the SUV and see that soccer mom the exact same way he sees the prostitute!  Isn’t that amazing?  When we offer God’s freedom, His peace, His love, His wonder to people, there is nothing we can do to hurt them.  There’s no fear that they won’t live their lives well enough to get to heaven, because we understand that God’s not nearly as bureaucratic as we might desire Him to be.

Today I was left wondering how often I’ve preached power instead of ______, and that’s one of the reasons I phoned Dan.  I needed to apologize for the times when I strong armed him into things he wasn’t yet willing to realize.  I mean all in all he’s in a better place, and I think I did a better job of preaching ______ than I’m comfortable giving myself credit for right now.  But I just felt so guilty for the times that I’d tried to club people with God’s power, and worse that I think I’d brilliantly awfully found a way to turn ______ into a weapon to beat my opponents.

So now, I’m just a little lonely with my thoughts.  It’s not a nice place to be held by half finished ideals, and swirling realizations.  Questions of what might have been, and temptations to judge things lacking.  I long to be better than I am, and I hope I can walk in that direction.  I wish someone was holding my hand on this road, but I think the only hand to hold right now blows like the wind.  And I guess that’s an OK place to be.  I guess I’ll just keep walking.

So, wow it hasn’t even been a week since I quit my job, but I feel like I’m getting an honestly well deserved holiday! Granted… money wise it’s probably not the best thing to have done, but I’ve got cash in the bank and I’m pretty confident I can find something else. It’s funny, I know the two managers really aren’t my biggest fans right now, mostly because they’re not used to not rolling over when they bully them. But I think things are still reasonably good between the GM and me.

In other news, wow it feels so good to be unemployed! Granted the stress hasn’t started hitting me yet, and I haven’t really noticed my account balance start to droop yet. But I’ve got money in the bank, I’ve got money coming, and worst case, I can find out what it feels like to actually have credit card debt! (shudder) Either way, I feel like in so many ways I’ve walked away from all the bad crap in my life. I no longer work for a company that regularly mistreated me, I’m no longer longing for a relationship with someone who didn’t even know who I was, I’m no longer blaming God for the problems I had Church planting, rather I feel genuinely connected at a great Church I cherish and that values me. In a funny way my life while I got nothing that I really wanted, I have everything I could need… well OK aside from a job, but hopefully that’ll come pretty soon.

I picked up some supplies for my portfolio today, including the actual portfolio which is this ugly as sin cardboard thing that staples was selling that looks like it was designed for jr. high school… it actually says LEARNING IS FUN! So what I’m thinking I might do is cover the outside with print outs of various artwork pieces I’ve done for at Church, or some of the Diego’s Diary pieces I did. At this point I’m pretty confident that I’m going to get in, and I don’t think that making your portfolio pretty will really hurt chances… I mean it’s not like that can be any less professional than “LEARNING IS FUN!” It’ll probably take a few hours, but it’ll be fun, it’ll be like Photoshop meets arts and crafts!

I might get Dion to give me a hand with it since he’s coming over later today to play video games and hang out with me. I confess, I’m such a desk nerd, I was in staples today and I swear I could have spent hundreds of dollars just on stuff for my desk, I mean, they have my Samsung laser printer, but the newer model that’s like all black and glossy and would match my stuff so much better… vain much? Yah I know. Not to mention I’d love to replace my current HP scanner/printer combo with a nice black and silver Canon one… I mean sure aside from a lil blue fleck of paint my mom got on the scanner bed it’s fine, but I just… well I really hate HP. (Interesting fact, the failure rate on HP laptops is 25% where as the rest of the computer industry is somewhere around 15%, that’s HP and Compaq… and yet they sell more PCs than anyone else worldwide… how sad is that?)

I nearly bought myself a classic wire basket… it was all silver… and wire… ish… not to mention external hard drives, granted I don’t neeeeeed a new external I mean I still have 1.29 TB left on my 1.5 TB hard drive… wow I should really find something to put on that… on that note I just dragged over a few things that I didn’t want to delete but were taking up space on my HD that I’m like probably never gonna use again. Like the series Wonderfalls, brilliant, took forever to download it, but when the heck am I gonna watch that again?

But yah, oh and digital cameras, I don’t need a new one, my iPhone does fine, and when that isn’t good enough I have my useless Canon point and shoot that doesn’t work properly… OK… maybe that’s why I want a new one… I’m still trying to decide what I want for my next camera though, I’m leaning towards an entry level Nikon DSLR, but part of me wants to go with a Canon especially since there’s a decent chance some day I’ll be using a nice Canon printer… it doesn’t really make a lot of sense I mean, it’s a printer right? I can still go with Canon even if I have a Nikon camera… but these things, they worry me. Don’t ask me why, I mean it’s not like I use an Apple branded mouse (though the Magic Mouse looks pretty sweet) I use a Wacom one and my setup hasn’t exploded, and I use a Samsung monitor (partly because well… let’s be honest Apple’s are always purdy pricy and I got a great deal on this one… well and I’ll probably be getting a Samsung TV once I finally buy a nice big screen.)

Anyway, it’s nice to know that my biggest worry these days tends to be, what camera brand should I buy when I finally have money? Good worry to have.

As a last note, I will confess the last few days part of me has been wanting to call Dan… and it’s rather annoying. I think, ugh, I think I miss him. How awful is that? I mean it’s not that awful really, he’s a very nice person, when you know, he’s not confusing the hell out of me and thinking only of himself and not really having a good clue of who I am… I mean, it’s not like I even want that whole feeling of life will work out that I used to get when I talked to him, to be honest I get that from myself now.

Yet with all that, part of me, would rather he was in my life. Now, I mean I know that’s kind of silly especially since the Dan I really cherished was the Dan who I didn’t know I intimidated, the Dan I didn’t know was exhausted after we talked. I do miss coming home and phoning him up and feeling close to someone. I’d phone him but I know last time we talked he was looking to start dating but had already decided he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with me, and while sometimes, well often times I can remain good with friends who romantic things don’t work out with, I was never really friends with Dan, I was something that I didn’t want to put a name on, but there’s no non-romantic relationship to go back to, I’m sure even if he called me up today my heart would still beat faster, and I’d still have to consciously choose not to picture some sort of life together, with me continually doing whatever I could within my power… and breaking rules to do things out of my power to make him happy.

I think I’m slowly starting to come down from my initial I don’t need a relationship high, not that I feel I need, or even want one now, but I’m a little less vehement now, I’ve calmed down, and the things that were easier to not want when I was ecstatic, and aggressive, and all that, well they’re a bit more appealing I guess now. Part of me wishes that we could have at least been like Logan and I ended up, I mean I feel pretty hard pretty quickly for Logan, but I hear about his current relationshiplikethingy and I’m genuinely happy for him, and nothing hurts there. At the same time, I think part of it is that there was never anything about me that Logan wasn’t willing to work through or something like Dan. With Dan in a lot of ways he decided that the challenge of a relationship with me (as he saw it) wasn’t something that was worth the effort. I mean, looking back I can say, “Wrong choice dumbass,” and I’ve moved to the point where I don’t see that as a failure on my part, heck I don’t even know if I see it as a failure on his part anymore. But there’s still that part of me that just says, you know I was worth the effort, and more than anything it’s sad and sorrowful that you didn’t want to try.

I actually watched The Broken Hearts Club again, this time with Logan, and there’s one couple Howie and Marshall, that, every time I watch it it kinda feels like, “Yah that’s kinda how we were” I mean not entirely, but yah. I mean it’s not really how we were, because Marshall near the end of the movie realizes he was being a dumbass and stuff, and Dan’s not really big on making those sorts of realizations, at least not on admitting them to me, in a lot of ways I think he’d rather die miserable and alone than he would admit that I was right. There’ve been a million times where weeks after arguing with me about something, he ended up doing exactly what I said he should do in the first place, but he never really admitted I was right. Though maybe the fact that I need to be right is one of the reasons we never worked out. I guess I always just kept trying to push him toward the right choice, and in my mind that was always me… guess what’s why he never trusted me. Ugh.

Anyway, all that said, my apartment is clean, I feel genuinely rested, spring is here and it’s wonderful, and I’ve nearly accomplished all I could want to for the near future. So, this is one of the few times I remember to blog when I’m in a good mood.

So, well I figure since this happened yesterday… (Wednesday) I should probably blog about it, especially since my next entry may end up being Easter related or something of that nature.

Anyway, yah yesterday ended up with me phoning our GM and informing him that I was, “No longer willing to sacrifice my dignity on the alter of Jacqueline’s ego.” I thought the imagery was pretty good. This all of course happened after I slept in, after coming back home to sleep after the 8 am morning meeting that I have to get up a lil before 7 to get to. So anyway, I got there like half an hour late, so one of the managers/supervisors/whatever who I genuinely don’t like is sent to, “talk” with me. Sadly this guy’s version of a conversation tends to not so much include active listening, but rather he simply waits for you to stop talking so he can say the exact same sentence he said last time, but this time reworded slightly, because he seems incapable of realizing that someone can see his side of a point while still disagreeing.

I should also note, that this is the guy who once told me, “David you shouldn’t be gay, you should just date a chick with a strap on.” Apparently he didn’t realize why this would be offensive. Did I mention a Lemur with a Sharpie could do this guy’s job?

I was given an ultimatum that, well I could either stop… what exactly was I doing? Oh… right selling more than the vast majority of their employees, making customers happy, and thinking of their needs above the company’s, and oh what… oh right I was supposed to never have trouble getting to work when they give me shifts at all hours of the day, which entirely mess with my sleep schedule. Hmm, you know for me… seems like the obvious solution might be… letting me have a normal schedule? Maybe not scheduling me to work stores that I’m not actually supposed to be working at? Maybe even just talking to me like I’m a person so that I actually don’t want to look down my nose at you and remind you that, you sir, and you m’am, are uneducated yes (wo)men, who wouldn’t know selflessness it it came up and bit you on the ass!

I can’t say a bad word about our GM, he’s really the only one in management at the entirely company with his head screwed on right. Everyone else though tends to think that threats and intimidation are the best way to get results. And you know what, back when employees were making three grand a month, that might have been an effective way to get less than stellar results. But frankly when I’m barely taking home 1300 a month, threats, intimidation, and snide comments aren’t exactly going to motivate me to do, well anything but give you dirty looks, roll my eyes and compare war stories with coworkers.

All in all the experience is very freeing, a lot less lies will be filters into my head (my direct supervisor was a compulsive liar) if I end up missing the lies I can always just see about finding some YouTube clips of Fox News. I’ve got about two months savings to live on for the next little bit, the plan is to find something quickly, and from there keep looking unless the temporary bit ends up being decent enough that I can stay there for a while. Either way, should be lots of fun!

I just wrote my resignation letter, I’m gonna leave it for a few days, probably pair it down, cause at three pages it’s a bit much to say, “Your two mangers are your biggest morale problem and don’t deserve to have authority over a slug let alone human beings.”

Anyway, I’m either gonna go to bed, or watch more Smallville.