Three Shades of Awesome

Good places, aren’t always happy places.  That’s an uncomfortable thing for me to admit.  I think that’s how you could describe where I’m at.  I just finished watching “The Broken Hearts Club” probably the best movie I’ve seen in a long time.  Gay Themed so if two guys kissing freaks you out then move on, but it doesn’t get any more racy than that.  It’s a romantic comedy, nearly all the characters in it are gay which is funny, kind of like how everyone but the comic relief in most romantic comedies is straight.  Nice high budget movie, apparently made by Sony, and it just really… it was good.  There were a few parts that reminded me of guys I’d liked, all in all it was great.

But yah, I have a sad smile tonight.  I’m a lil lonely but that’ll pass.  I asked Dan to leave me alone… not that him being communicative was a big issue.  But hopefully this means he’ll remove my number from his phone so I don’t get accidental txt messages, or sxt messages if things head down the road I think they’re going to with the guy who has the same name as me.

But I’m, I’m in a good place.  I’m reading my bible a bit more, a lot more actually… and I feel sensitive to God again… which I haven’t felt… in a long time.  I mean, I guess I had but… most of the time that was God pushing his way in, and I didn’t want it.  This, this is me hearing the gentle stuff that I was too hurt to hear before.  This is, say this to this person, and then you find out that the person was crying and they needed someone to talk to.  Or, just stuff like that.  I mean it’s only been a few days but I feel like I did in college.  Like, meaning and adventure was just around any corner you could look.

I feel like I could cry though.  Not entirely sure why to be honest.  I guess I’m still coming to terms with, my new perspective… I don’t know.  I feel almost like I’m on a journey, while getting ready for bed.  Tomorrow will be several familiar steps, but in an entirely new direction.  Almost like a soul body disconnect.  Tomorrow I go to work, but I’m not sure where I’m going.

I’ve noticed every time I’ve ever started down this road, I always meet a cute boy and I always get stopped and turned around.  I recently met a super cute one on Facebook… but he’s stopped talking to me now, and seems to be ignoring me, so that’s probably for the best.

I don’t wanna get stopped this time.  I wanna just, live a life that’s meaningful again, even if it’s always thankless, even if people are bastards, even if it’s often lonely.  Because, I guess even if you only see glimpses of truth and beauty along the way, at least you got to see them.  At least I’ll get to see them.  They might not last, they my flicker and burn out, but they’ll be beautiful for whatever time they have, and I’ll be there to know it and appreciate it.

Course I talk a good game now, check back with me in a week ha!  My job may still suck, my love life may be non-existant, I may have lost all but my best friends, but today, I have hope, and I like myself.  Even if my smile is sad tonight, we’ll see what morning brings.

So our logo has finally gone live, and I’m soooo happy I can FINALLY share it on here since I’m pretty dang proud of it!  I’m also gonna post the majority of what I read at Church to explain it.  I should note that I forgot how well I can work a room, I had everyone laughing and thinking at the same time, I felt pretty good about everything by the end.  And they clapped!

The inspiration for the design was a broken circle.  The circle is traditionally used in Christian art to represent God, or eternity.  The significance of the brokenness of the circle is to remind us of our broken understanding of God.  As Paul says in Corinthians, now we see as through a veil, so often the Church is apt to pin down God and try to speak for Him on things that wiser men and women might have chosen to remain silent.  It’s that sort of mentality that often leads to abuses within the Church, and the lack of that attitude here is one of the things that I treasure most about our community, especially since our pastors exemplify this attitude so well.

The next point of inspiration for this Icthus, or as it’s commonly known, the Jesus Fish.  Back in the day when Christianity was still an illegal religion, the Icthus was kind of like a Christian secret handshake, if we met up in the street, I might draw the top of the Icthus and you’d draw in the bottom curve of it, and then we’d know that neither of us was likely to try and get the other killed.  The Icthus also has been used specifically as a symbol to represent Jesus.  If you look closely, you’ll notice that each letter is made in the shape of an Icthus, the b actually uses two of them.

In the Old Testament, Israel was commanded not to make any graven images to represent YHWH.  When I was in college my Old Testament prof pointed out that the reason this was a sin, was because the word for image there is also the same word that is used when Scripture talks about us being made in God’s image.  Idolatry was a sin because it claims that we can see God in created things, when we are supposed to see His image in the lives of those around us.

With this in mind, there are six individual Icthus’ and each of them is broken.  These represent both Christ, and they represent us.  We all are imperfect images of God.

I should mention that there is specifically six Icthus’, for those who know the significance that numbers often play in the Bible, six is the number of humans, each of these broken Icthus represent our imperfect attempt to bare the image of God.

But hopefully you’ve noticed something else, while they are all broken, they all still form one line.  This again has a two fold meaning, the first alludes back to the Sh’ma, a Jewish prayer that starts out with the line, “Hear O Israel, the Lord your God is one God.”  In this way our logo mimics God.  As well, each Icthus which represents us, is made whole when combined with with each other.  The whole logo, aside from the, the, is one continuous line.  It goes left, right, it varies in thickness, it’d be just about impossible to draw in one stroke, but it’s one.  And that, that’s us, that’s the Church.  Some of us go left, some go right, some are thick, but, we’re one.

As well you have the Bread and the Cup, or the Eucharist.  They again, are part of the design, they remain one line with the rest of the design.  There are two loaves of bread, and two identical sides of the cup, both of these represent Christ’s two natures human and divine.  These images also serve to draw one’s mind to the Lord’s table before His betrayal, in that instance He told his followers to break bread and drink of the cup whenever they meet, and that is something that we as a Church strive to do today.

Now then we’ve covered most of the black lines, so let’s move outside the lines, while the black section of the logo speaks of a contradictory broken whole oneness, that which is not speaks of openness.  If you look at the logo, there is but one closed shape, which is actually entirely incidental, but I couldn’t bring myself to take it out after I noticed it.  In the meeting of the two Icthus that make up the b you see a small three point triangle, can anyone tell me what a triangle might be alluding to?

So aside from that small serendipitous triangle, every other shape in the logo is left open, intentionally.  Again that’s an idea that permeates the design, and that’s there, because I think that’s an idea that permeates this Church.  I think that’s something incredibly special about our Church.  While we as Christians know that the Gospel is open to everyone, there are many who haven’t quite gotten the message, and come up with every excuse they can think of to tell people they don’t belong in the Kingdom of God.  So yah, openness is a huge them in our logo, partly because that’s one of the areas we exemplify.

While this design is filled with a lot of traditional Christian symbols some of which you may be familiar with, some of which might be kind of new for you.  What I honestly hope you take away every time you look at this logo, is the idea that as a community made up of broken people, we find wholeness in the person of Christ.  I also hope that you will be able to remember that we are an open community, and that doesn’t simply mean we’re friendly though I think most of us do strive towards that end.  We practice open communion which you might not realize is a big deal.  But we don’t claim that Christ’s sacrifice is something that only extends to the Church, we understand that Christ calls us to extend His offering of Himself to others, as the parables put it to go out into the lanes and the country side to bring in any and everyone we can, to share God’s indiscriminate love, and to imitate that love.  If you feel like that was a bit of a sermon, I’m sorry it’s just something that’s really important to me, since most Churches out there wouldn’t even want me in their pews let alone designing their logos.

Now then, what would be any Christian art be without attention to numbers?  There are six Icthus, six is understood to be the number of humanity, but because of the cross bar in the t we have seven open spaces created in the letters, so in our human brokenness, God’s openness is made complete.  Oh, 7 is the number which represents completeness and wholeness.  I should also mention, incidentally the cross bar of the t does form a cross, for those of you who think that a good Church logo has to have at least one cross.  I should mention all the letters are intentionally lowercased.

As well I’ll point out that, if you look at that little reflection in the cup you’ll actually see it’s in the shape of a dove.  And with that, you also have in addition to the six icthus’ you have the cross, the circle, the triangle, the bread, the cup, and the dove,  which all are symbols for God, that makes 7 symbols for God, which appear 12 times in the logo.

Lastly I’ll bring you back to the original starting point, the broken circle.  This circle which represents our God, it’s not, something that closes us off, but rather it’s something that takes a humble place, it wraps around, and supports, and it holds us in a manner that doesn’t cut us off from that which is around us.

So, I’m back, after nearly a year long Hiatus, actually it’s really almost exactly a year, March 1st was apparently my last Sunday with Adullam last year, but Ministerial David had already begone to decline by that point.

So, one of my pastors on Wednesday asked me about Lent and if I was giving up something for Lent.  I was like uhh, no.  I thought about it, part of me wanted to give up Dan (oh we had a fight, no chance of me calling him Pablo now, he should just be glad I’m not posting his last name, work address and phoning his secretary and asking for the closet case who can’t be honest with himself.  I imagine she’d probably already know who I’m talking about.)  But I’d already started ignoring him the previous Wednesday, besides I don’t play with relationships like that.  If I’m not gonna talk to someone it’s gonna be for something other than Lent… like him being a total dishonest douche?  (Yah that works.)

But no, today during Church our other pastor was talking about Lent, and I kept thinking of something I could give up.  Did I mention I’m easily manipulated if you just keep talking about something?  It’s the result of having an over active brain, and an anemic sense of self control.  But what I first decided to give up was complaining, not like I wouldn’t say if something bad happened, but I’d stop dwelling on things, I’d stop letting failures and disappointments characterize my days.  Then, then it hit me, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last year, I’ve been defining myself by failures, false starts, and all manner of other things, and that’s not me.

That’s not who David is, David is strong like bull!  I’m the guy who was the first openly gay student at Providence College!  I’m the guy who lead the largest ISCF group in high school and put on more events than the bloody student council that also had better attendance!  I’m the guy who had God talk out of his mouth to someone who needed to hear from Him and wasn’t listening.  I’m the guy who picks fights with smokers in bus shelters! (And who apparently then inspires passer byes to punch said smokers in the face… and break their glasses.)  I’m the guy who can say anything regardless of how offensive so long as I smile big enough. (And my mom isn’t in the room)

So for Lent, I’m giving up inauthenticity.  I mentioned it to a friend on Facebook and he said I was already probably the most authentic person he’d ever met.  And while I’m not always the best at being dishonest, I’ve been compromising a lot this last year.  Classic David was the sort that if he knew he could help he’d just join in.  Today’s David… not quite so much.  I think one of the big things has been simply in the way that I’ve looked at myself.  Lately life’s been characterized by failure for me.  And that’s just stupid!  I’m a talented graphic artist, apparently a gifted orator, rather impressive author, brilliant scholar if I don’t need to have a bibliography… or research… (least that’s what that one random Menno said.)  I’m the kid who’s mother engrained success in him so badly that if I got 98% on an exam mom would ask where the other 2% was.  I’m a lot of things, but a failure, a failure I am not!  Irrational sure, strong headed, thick, impulsive, but never a failure!

Which brings me to Dan, as I was telling Logan today, Dan, Dan is a dumb ass.  Dan is a douche bag, and if I never talk to him again, it’ll be too soon.  The fact is, the last five months or so, all of the care and comfort that normally is thrown out by ministerial David in all manner of directions, has been warped and focused on one person.  Firstly that shouldn’t happen, and while I’m not gonna be down on myself for it, it’s not the way I’m built.  But the fact is, he had one of the kindest, caring, wonderful people you could ever meet (me at my best) and he was too insecure and indecisive to appreciate it, and he’ll never have another chance with someone like me, which is good cause he doesn’t deserve it.

If he’d rather waste his time “not pursuing” some closet case that he won’t even admit he likes… partly because the guy’s even more of a insecure indecisive coward than Dan is, then that’s fine!  He can settle for someone, who ironically has the same name as me, (and who he keeps meaning to txt when he txts me resulting in me… perhaps telling him off…) That’s all fine, the fact is if I’m ever going to find Mr. Right, (OK that’s never gonna happen but whatever) I’d rather have someone who can see me at my best and actually say, hey I want that, not holy crap that’s impressive and I’m an insecure douche who wants someone who makes me feel non competitive cause they’re so lame and non-awesome.

Like seriously, we used to talk about life and stuff and he told me that those conversations that I enjoyed left him exhausted.  Who gets exhausted from soul searching?  I dono maybe if your soul is all polluted with decades worth of hegemony that you never decided to clear out.  The other day Logan and I were having a heart to heart and I was like, Logan I love you I wish we hung out more, you and I always have great conversations the sort that apparently leave Dan exhausted, he was like… that’s weird that conversation would drain him like that.

But anyway, yah I’ve had a bunch of experiences this week that just really made me rethink things.  I’ve realized that this whole last year, I’ve gotten the worst out of some of my friendships.  There’s a few friends, thankfully all of them now have cut ties with me, but I just had a few friends that just had these really awful expectations of me.  There was this constant nagging to be someone else, to deal with the pain in my life the way that they thought was best.  And to be honest, I didn’t realize how much I listened to them, and how much they damaged me.   Thankfully none of it was irreparable.

I’m back to me, a uniquely profoundly successful individual, not necessarily successful in the ways that anyone else cares about, but in the ways that I care about.  I don’t care if I never have a huge amount of cash in the bank, but I will be happy when I took someone out to lunch even if they never think to take me out for lunch.  I’ll say what I feel, when I feel, and I’m not going to be concerned with what manipulative former friends wished I was.

Now then ultimately how does this factor into dating?  I’m through with dating.  Screw romantic tension, screw it all.  The fact is, I’m not super hot, I’m moderately cute at best.  Most gay guys will never be interested in me so long as I’m not a scrawny twink.  The fact is my bone structure would never even let me be that thin, so who cares about trying to loose weight.  Not to say I’m not gonna keep with my resolve to hit the gym more regularly.  But I’m not going to do it in the hopes of attracting a mate, I’m going to do it because I’m happier when I work out regularly.

And that works it’s way down to a whole bunch of things.  When I meet a cute guy, I’m through with trying to present things in the most appealing manner.  I’m David, I happen to sometimes hear God, I’m a loud mouth, I write poetry, I’m entirely irrational, and I’m a brilliant friend, why don’t I introduce you to one of my many attractive gay friends who you’d probably get along with better anyway!

I’m probably gonna die alone, with no significant other, but you know, I think I’m finally cool with that.  I get to be the brilliant guy who can best any conservative when debating theology on gay relationships, and yet I’ll probably never have a meaningful one that isn’t completely messed up.  That’s fine.  I’m actually fine with that.

I’m me, I’m running low on friends who appreciate me for me, but I still have a few of the best ones left anyway.  I’m gonna rebuild my life, I’m going to do meaningful things be they big or small.  I’m gonna go to school, get a good job, with good pay that will give me the freedom to do whatever the hell i want financially, and likely that’ll include funding whatever projects I want at the Church I’m at then.

My relationship with Dan wasn’t a failure, it was an exploration of something that seemed to have potential, it just took me longer than it should have to realize that it wasn’t a viable option, and that’s entirely his fault.

Adullam wasn’t a failure, it was a brilliant thing that lasted for a time, at a place, was filled with meaning.  Are the lives of everyone involved somehow profoundly perfect?  No I just had one of the people I cared about most from there be a total douche bag and cut me out of his life, but that’s not a failure on my part.  I knew he was messed up when I met him and it’s not my fault he’s still aiming lower than he’s capable of.

My life, is not a failure, and it will never be a failure.  Because I love God, and so long as they don’t break my heart, or do other douche baggy things, I’m pretty great at loving my neighbour.  And even then I’m working on loving people who break my heart and who do douche baggy things, perhaps some day I’ll be better at that too!

So, life has been kind of crazy lately.  Yesterday I had a reasonably long term friendship end for seemingly no apparent reason… unless the individual really didn’t want to talk about Windows Phone 7.  But instead of dwelling on that, I’m gonna try and focus on the good parts of my life, and the good friends that stick with you regardless of their level of boredom, disinterest, or potential unhealthy relationships or substance abuse issues.  (OK well perhaps I’m not quite as pious as I’d like to be, we’ll give it another shot next year.)

Tonight, I think partly because Logan knew about what happened yesterday, but I think also just because he really wanted someone to talk to he suggested we get together and hang out tonight.  It was really good, we haven’t done that all that much since summer ended, mostly cause he’s super busy.  It’s funny he actually apologized for being a bad friend, and I was like, uhh compared to most of my friends you’ve actually been pretty up there in the keeping up your end of things area.  But Logan’s a bit like me, he’s not always trying to get away from his relationships with other people, which is part of the reason he’s such a good friend.

It was nice, we stayed up talking about boys and watching Modern Family.  I don’t wanna go too much into his personal life (after all this is my blog not his, and you know… the whole… don’t blab everything everyone tells you!) but it was cool, there were a few things that reminded me a bit of my life and the whole situation with whatshisface, though Logan’s handling all that stuff much better.  It was actually funny we had a really good kinda like, deep thoughts about life talk, the sort that I really enjoy, and it was weird I’ve lately tried to suppress the whole asking horribly prying questions thing since it made acertainsomeone uncomfortable, but Logan’s a lot more comfortable dancing around inside his own soul.

Overall the night was a really good recharge.  Not to mention it gave me a good chance to clean up my room, Logan actually walked in and was like, “Oh wow this is… uhh… clean… and yah I meant to sound surprised.”  To which I promptly flipped him off.

It’s funny, I had a good talk the other night with my pastor, and it’s funny, Gerald seems to, I don’t know if he means to, but sometimes it feels like he’s kinda pushing me to start thinking about going back into ministry even if it’s just in some sort of lay capacity.  I’m like, I’m good with drawing things for now.  I get the same feeling from Tim some times.  I think it’s just a pastory thing to do, always pushing people toward their potential, it’s the part of me that apparently is one of the reasons why I’m apparently not datable to at least one person.

I’d actually almost gotten to the point where I was in a mind frame to you know, get out there, take on the world, do something meaningful, and then I had the whole episode yesterday with my now former friend.  It’s funny how that sorta thing just takes it right out of you.  I was left kinda saying, why the hell would I wanna go back to ministering to people and trying to help them, I spent tons of time and effort on you, and you’re still a total self absorbed fucktard.  It was actually funny, at one point he said that he valued our time together and felt he’d learned a lot from me.  I joked with Logan that if he could actually act that way to anyone, let alone me, then he obviously hadn’t learned a damn thing from me.  Logan agreed.

But yah, I’m not entirely sure where my future is.  I’m running on the assumption that my life is Corban for now.  I talked to Logan about it, and he didn’t seem to think it was nearly as bad as I do.  I mean it’s one thing to give your life up to God, which I mean I have.  It’s another thing to feel like He’s taken something.  I mean I don’t know that He has, and it’d be His right to.  I’d actually assumed He wanted that before.  Though now that I think of it, I remember when I was figuring out the whole gay thing, He once said, “What if I told you it was OK to love another guy?”  That question confused me then.  But it confuses me even more today.  Why tell me it’s OK, and then lead me down a path where I’d constantly meet potential futures that never would be?

Either way, for the near future, I’m working at picturing a meaningful life alone.  No husband, no kids, to be honest with the way things are going, I tend to be picturing it with no friends.  Or at least, no close friends.  I think I’ve hit the age where I’m already a minority.  At Church a huge portion of the people there are couples, and they do couple things.  It’s not like when you’re a kid and you can find a new best friend or group of friends.  Now it’s, shallow relationships that involve very little one on one time.  At this point it feels as if I’ll be lucky to some day be a family friend.

I think that’s a hard thing to give up.  The notion that I get to have a family some day.  I think I always really did see myself as someday being a dad.  Even if it was a unique situation like foster kids or something.  But I thought I’d at least get, something close to a family.  But, I don’t think I get any of that.  Maybe some day I’ll be OK with that.

Wow, that’d be a sad note to end my blog.  Actually kinda feel crappy right now writing that.  Note to self, think about this sort of thing not right before bed.

Anyway, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have a working iPhone and MacBook, I have great friends like Logan, Jon, and Mike, and… well OK that’s mostly been all my friends lately.  I have a great Church, the sort that I always dreamed of being involved in.  I have a crappy job that I could do in my sleep where I get to talk about Apple and bad mouth Microsoft.  And I have a life that has a great deal of potential if it ever starts to make sense.  So for that, I’m thankful.  Things don’t always go my way, but good friends and pop corn chicken can make even the worst day worth living.

The music’s loud here, the drinks flow freely.  The dark burgundy walls, and loud chatter of patrons are a better disguise than any mask.  You might think I’m describing some seedy establishment, it’s not really seedy.  Everything’s above bar here, though not everyone’s around the bar.  There’s tables scattered across the small bistro, and there’s a gator frosted onto the front window, gators are much more fun when they’re frosted and you’re not fighting them… even still they’re a lot easier to fight when they haven’t been injected with nanorobots that enhance their strength and let them shoot lasers.  Always with the lasers.

Where am I?  A small Australian Bistro not far from my apartment.  It’s the sort of place that would actually be really nice to take a date.  That is, if, well if I had dates.  Well I’d picture myself taking them here.  I’d probably order the nachos, and we’d talk, and stare into each other’s souls.  Well, I imagine how that’s how it’d go.  With my luck the waiter would be really hot and start flirting with the girl I was with, and then I wouldn’t tip him cause I’d be passive aggressive and then she’d think I was cheap.

I don’t mean to go all Peter Parker, oh look at me this hot red head likes me, but I’m really insecure and can’t talk to girls, and if I let people get close to me they’ll pay the ultimate price. Well, OK maybe I am a bit worried about that last bit, but if I had a cute redhead interested in me, I’d totally… have trouble talking to her?  Well OK, I don’t have spider powers though.  Honestly, no spider powers.

I did actually date a girl once!  She was really pretty, we met at a mixer, a, a super hero mixer… on… the internet.  OK it was a message board.  But she had a really cute drawing of herself as her avatar, and boy was she smart.  She was a forum moderator.  I guess we met when I got into a really heated argument about who you should save if a super villain was dangling a bus full of school children over the edge of a bridge, but at the same time had your loved ones tied to a bunch of explosives and only gave you a chance to save one.  I made the obvious choice that you’d need to save the school children because your family knew the risks of being close to you.  And this other guy, well he was totally taking the other side, saying that if we all did that then super villains could just bribe kids from juvenile delinquent centers to be bait against us.

Anyway, the discussion got really heated, and she kinda threatened to ban both of us from the forum… I think, that’s when I fell for her.  Just, a strong woman, enforcing justice, that, that’s pretty hot.  So, we IMed back and forth, and I flirted with her, well I tried to flirt with her anyway, I was never so good at flirting, I was much better at saying things like, Your eyes are the shade of a calm ocean, I could gaze into them for hours on end, till the sun burns itself out and the earth grows cold. But apparently she liked stuff like that, and suggested she fly in to see me from out west.

Now that was something I wasn’t expecting, you know, I know the comics make everyone think we’re all Batmen or Green Arrow’s or Iron Men with tons of cash to blow, in reality though, most superheroes aren’t nearly as rich as the movies make us seem.  So I was really surprised she wanted to spend that kind of cash right away.  But, well I soon found out that it wasn’t nearly as big of a deal as I’d thought, since, well when she meant fly in, she didn’t mean in a plane.

Have you ever dated someone who could fly?  It’s incredible, well so long as it’s not too cold.  Well OK the atmosphere is always cold, she was pretty impressive even in winter she’d rarely wear a jacket, said she was used to it being cold.  There was something, something really sad about her when she talked like that.  Sometimes I’d try and make her take my coat just, you know to make her smile.  She did smile though, I made her smile a lot.  And she made me feel, I don’t know, I guess in retrospect she didn’t make me feel like you’re supposed to when you date someone.  She was, she was wonderful though, to just have her come over, pick up, and just go anywhere.

I mean, making out above the city, that’s pretty hot.  Yah when I say pick up, I mean literally she’d pick me up and we’d just take off.  I never really asked her how she was able to make us both fly, it wasn’t like, she had to carry me, that would have been really uncomfortable, it was more like, she’d hold me close and we’d just take off, anywhere.  You never really noticed how far or fast you went, you were just there.  It’s like, it was the ultimate escape.

There’s people like that, who, can fly.  I mean they can’t actually fly, but if they were superheroes you know that’d be their power.  The sort of people that when you talk to them, the whole world just slips away and you’re part of it.  That you know make you feel like you’re not tied to the ground, that you could really do anything, be anything, live anything.

Things didn’t last though, it’s probably for the best that they didn’t.  While dating her was incredible, we eventually realized that we were using each other, she was my escape and, I”m still not sure what exactly I was to her, but she didn’t love me, and I didn’t love her.  We, we cared for each other a great deal, and part of me had a really hard time letting her go, but it happened eventually and we’re both better for it.  I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever had that.  It seems relationships are much easier to end when you hate the other person, least that’s what I’ve seen from the other relationships I’ve observed.  But it wasn’t like that with us, we just realized that we weren’t right for each other.

She’s married now, has a great husband from the sounds of it, and she’s happy.  I’m really glad she’s happy.

So I enjoyed the long week end, granted I had a shift on Saturday, but while I work tomorrow I have wednesday off which I’m excited about.

At church this week we were supposed to unveil our new logo, which is something I spent a heck of a lot of time and effort designing.  Just before the unveiling the projector on the stage we were using decided to kack out.  Yey infocus projectors!  Soooo, we’re putting it off for next week.  Which is actually fine, I was a lil, slight bit nervous, and I think now that I’ve had a few days coming down from that fearful high I’m gonna be even more calm and collect next Sunday.  Not to mention everyone there seemed a bit more excited to hear about it now that it’s been denied them.  It’s like the logo’s playing hard to get, and it’s working.  That and it was Vday, plus a long week end so I know some people were away, so it’ll be nice to be able to go over all of it on a week when we’ve got more people.

It was cool though, I got to show the logo to Bernie, one of the guys in the Church on leadership, and apparently he really liked it.  I was glad since Bernie is like one of those older guys you just kinda have to respect, and so you know I think you never quite grow out of that sense of satisfaction you get when you genuinely impress someone who’s a few decades older than you?  If that makes sense, like the guy’s managed to accomplish a whole lot, while still seeming to be incredibly grounded, and it felt really good to see that he was genuinely impressed with my work.  (Especially since the first logo that we ran with without leadership’s approval went over with a resounding thud haha!)

I’m looking forward to get to speak in front of the Church, aside from Adullam I haven’t done anything like that in forever, well I guess I’ve spoken at work and stuff but, to be honest it’s not hard to sound smart at work, some of the people we hire can barely tie their own shoes it seems.

But yah, it’s just gonna be fun to be able to go up, and essentially teach the truths that are depicted and alluded to within our logo.  My hope is that people really appreciate it, and the general consensus I’ve gotten from people has been overwhelmingly positive.

Oh, also found out that apparently we’re not just using the logo for the Church I attend, but also for two Church plants that are happening in sask and edmonton.  Scary.

In other news, “Pablo” (his name isn’t really Pablo) and I have been continuing our on again, off again, not again, confused again, off again, wtf again, relationship.  We’re currently confused again, but communicating.  I learned a lot of lessons with Josh, and I’m very sure I don’t want to completely cut ties with him, even though that’s the general suggestion I’ve gotten from a lot of people.  Cause, when Josh blew me off for nearly a year (did I mention he’s a stubborn bugger?)  It wasn’t uncommon for me to just sit in my room horribly depressed and wonder why the heck I should get out of bed… which is a really difficult thing to do when you already hate the job you’re at.

I don’t want to make the same mistakes.  Ideally what’ll happen is eventually we’ll manage to pull off an honest friendship, and then I can get on with life.  Who knows if that’ll happen.  I doubt we’ll honestly ever get together.  I still think we’d be perfect together if he ever stopped over thinking things.  I mean, he’s more open with me than anyone else, but that openness makes him uncomfortable.  Then again, me being open with people is generally uncomfortable.  I can’t really fault him for being uncomfortable, I just wish he’d let himself get used to that and move on.  It’s kind of like dipping your foot into a pool and then thinking it’s cold and not getting in, but then constantly coming back and dipping your foot in. It’s nice, but to be honest you’d have a hell of a lot more fun if you just jumped in and stopped worrying about it.

That’s, that’s what real honest relationships are like.  I think one of the hard things for me is that we’re continually on the verge of that, and other than this relationship, I’m not very much in any otherwise intimate interpersonal relationships.  I use intimate not as a synonym for sexual, but rather just one where you genuinely let your guard down without fear of being hurt.  The problem with “Pablo” and I is that both of us have hurt the other, granted we’ve continually apologized and most of the time never meant to do it.  But we’ve still done that, so on the one hand we trust each other a great deal on some levels, but there’s others that, it’s just not there on.

I think the only other relationship with anyone that really rivals that for me would be with Gerald my pastor, though it’s a totally different one there.  The fact is while I know things about Gerald, the vulnerability is a bit more one sided, largely because it’s more of a counsellor/mentor relationship.  And while I treasure Gerald and would consider him a friend, our friendship is not the sort where you just go out and pound a few ones back (partly cause I don’t drink) it’s a bit more occasionally profound and meaningful.

I think I’m still trying to find someone who can fill the hole that Jeremy left in my life.  Over a year later.  And I think really instead of filling that hole right now, I’m just going to close it.  I’m actually moving toward a place of, inversion?  In one sense I’m trying to be selfish.  I’m a highly out going, and relational person, the problem is I tend to burn out relationships too quickly.  I can make someone love me quickly now, sales taught me how to do that.  But now I just find I have such a deep unfulfilled need, I just keep pushing and pushing in relationships.

I don’t know if it’s at all linked to my atypical intellect (does that sound arrogant enough?)  But I’ve known for a while that I thought quicker than most people, and I’m slowly learning just how wide that gap is.  When someone who you absolutely love talking to can say that you wear them out in a conversion, and sometimes leave them feeling stupid.  That really makes you take stock of things.

I’m just not sure that I’ll ever be able to find someone who, who I can love without wearing out.

It’s funny, as I write that, I’m inclined to think of the word holy.  Holy in addition to it’s white, glowy, ubber spiritual meaning, also has an element of meaning set apart.  When something was made holy to God, it was often burnt up to the point where it was useless, to the point where it was only useable by God.

In some ways, I wonder, if I’m only useable by God.  That’s, that’s an awfully sad thing to consider for me.  I spent so long hiding who I was as a gay person, then I was forced out of the closet, I was forced to figure out who I was, I fell in love, got my heart broken, and that cycle’s repeated a few times.  I’ve spent all this energy forging friendships, often in the misguided hope that it would some how result in me in a relationship.

Thing is, I never end up in one.  David’s kind of the, forever alone type.  Always wanted but, never quite loved.  People offer me comfort with assertions that I just haven’t met the right guy (or there’s always the girl line that they throw in with a terribly obnoxious grin), I’ve had people say that I’m too smart for most guys, I’ve had people say that “They just need to get to know you.”  But to be honest, while I’m not the best looking guy, it’s not exactly difficult for me to find someone who at least considers me passably good looking enough to fool around with.  The hard thing is finding someone that after they get to know me, wants to explore love.

So I’m left wondering, how holy am I?  Am I pious, well depends on who you ask.  Am I righteous, guess that depends on how angry I am.  Am I set apart, well, the loneliness would certainly suggest that.

Ugh, the things I think about when I blog.

So, I told my parents today.  Well, I tried to tell them.  I meant to tell them, I phoned my mom, and I was like hey let’s grab lunch.  Dad was there, mom was there, we had lunch, and it was great.  I had a hamburger, I really like hamburgers, mom had, a wrap?  Dad had steak.

We got in, and they seated us, I was so nervous, my hands were sweaty.  How is it that I can fight entire hordes of zombies, but I can’t tell my mom I’m a super hero?  They seated us, it was a nice window booth.  It was pretty quiet, I was scared someone might over hear.  You never know if perhaps that person in the next booth could be some sort of evil genius out for a quick bite.  I assumed that the people near by weren’t evil geniuses though.

“Mom, dad, thanks, thanks for coming today.”

“No problem sweety-”

“Hey, do you know how to work this voice recorder on my cell phone?”

“What?”

“It’s a voice recorder, isn’t it cool, it’s like, it’s right here, how does that work?  Can I like, record a call?”

“Uh, I don’t know, I-”

“Well here, take a look I bet that’d be really cool if I could!”

“Dear, put your new phone away, just stop by the store and ask the guy who sold it to you how to work it.”

“He didn’t know, the guy’s an idiot, I figured-”

“Dad, can, I want to talk to you guys about something.”

“Oh, OK, what’s on your mind kiddo?”

“Well-”

“So we all got seated here OK?”

“Oh yes we’re fine thanks!  Isn’t it a gorgeous day out?”

“Yes it is, did the hostess have a chance to tell you about our specials?”

I just wanted a burger, I knew what my parents were going to have, they get the same thing every time, a wrap and a steak, and my sister gets a salad.  It always takes us nearly half an hour to order, but we always get the same things.

“So, I, I was hoping we could talk about something.”

“Well isn’t that what we’re doing already?”

“No, I meant I had something to talk to you about.”

“Oh, this, dear you, you sound so serious.”

“Well I just, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about-”

“Is this about us leaving town on thanks giving?  You said you didn’t have a problem with it.”

“No, I don’t care about thanks giving, it was fine.”

“Because we did offer to take you to aunt Brittany’s.‘

“No, I told you, I don’t care.”

“Oh, because it would have been nice if you’d come, everyone kept asking about you.  They wanted to know everything, does he have a girl friend yet?  What’s he doing for work?  Is he still working at the shopping mall?”

“Yah well-”

“I just told them, he’s busy with work, he’s very important at the store, and we’re very proud of him, and no he isn’t seeing any girls yet, but we’re not worried about grand kids!  And I told them not to even think that you were gay, I told them just because he hasn’t found the right girl doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions.  I mean, not that I’d have an issue if you were gay, I just, I mean really it’s none of their business.  Really that’s just your business dear.  I mean, not that you’re gay.”

“Mom!”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Excuse me miss, could I get a refill here?”

“Oh yes certainly.”

“Would you like a refill as well?”

“Uh, yah, yah sure, so Dad-”

“Wow you’re just chugging these down eh?”

“Uh, excuse me?”

“I was just, just saying, you know, conversation.”

“Oh… thanks?”

“Dear I think the waitress was flirting with you.”

“Mom, I just, can you two listen to me for just a second?”

“Here’s your coke sir.”

“Thank you mam, by the way, he is single if you were wondering.”

“Dad!”

“Well, I’ll have to keep that in mind.”

“Did you see that.”

“See what?”

“She winked!”

“Dad that was awful I can’t-”

“Oh please, just cause my son doesn’t have the balls to flirt with a pretty girl doesn’t mean.”

“George!”

The best part is, he’s right, just last week I helped avert a major international incident with China, there were 53 dead afterward, nuclear radiation everywhere, and I had three bullets pulled out of my shoulder, I was fine with that, but I really didn’t have the balls to flirt with that waitress.

“Mom, dad, I’ve had something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

“Yes dear you keep saying-”

“I, I’m not like everyone else.”

“Of course you’re not dear but-”

“There’s stuff about me that you don’t know.”

“What, what do you mean?”

“You know how, how I’ve always had a strong sense of right and wrong.”

“Yah, like that time you got into that fight with pastor Rob for going over the speed limit.”

“Oh that was priceless, though I wish you’d have not done it in front of the whole Church.”

“That old bastard had it coming.”

“Well, about that.”

“Dear I’m sure he’s forgotten all about it.”

“No I mean, I’ve, I’ve always been a little different.”

“Son, I, I think I know where this is going.”

“You, you do?”

“Yes, and I just want you to know, your mother and I have talked about it, and we both feel the same way.”

“Um, I’m not, I’m not sure you really-”

“Look, it’s, it’s a choice.”

“Well, it’s not really a choice, it’s like, it’s something in your gut, it’s, it’s like a calling.”

“A calling, you call that a calling!”

“Dear don’t raise your voice!”

“Look no son of mine is going to be some queer butt boy!”

“George!  George stop it!”

“Dad I’m not saying I’m gay!”

“That’s right you’re not!”

“No, Dad I just, there’s this part of me that.‘

“Look, there’s this psychologist that came to our Church, he can fix people, I’ll talk to that bastard Rob, and I’m sure he can get you the guy’s phone number.”

“Dad, i don’t need that, I’m not-”

“Listen, I’ll get you the number and that’s the last I want to hear about this crap.”

“George, he, he didn’t say-”

“I’ll be out in the car.”  With that, he threw some cash down, and walked outside.

“Dear, you, I love you no matter what.”

“Mom, I’m, I didn’t mean I’m-”

“Look, you’re my son, and, I don’t have to like everything you choose to do with your life, but, but I love you either way.”

“Mom-”

“Dear, just, just pay the bill, I’m going to go calm down your father.”

I paid the bill, I tried not to notice the number circled inside a heart on our bill.  Walking outside, the wind hit me so hard.  I walked behind the restaurant, pressing my hands against the fake brick work down by the dumpster, it felt like my guts were going to pop out.  This was worse than Dr. Death’s gut worms, I’d have sooner gone up against any number of evil foes.  Instead, I was just left there with my loneliness.

Feeling a strong vibrate I looked in my pocket to find my iPhone rattling around, a txt from the Journey Man, So, they take it OK?

I couldn’t tell them.

Did you get any of it out?

They think I’m gay now.

Nice.

People get tired, I’ve been tired a lot lately.  It’s just, it’s hard to always stay passionate about things.  I mean, I’ve always had a real passion for things like Justice, and Truth, and Liberty.  But, even if things are your passions, sometimes it’s just really hard to keep caring.  There’s only so many times that people can lie to you, or mistreat you, before you just start to say, I’m not really sure I care if you have liberty.  You know?  Some times you just don’t care about the liberty of others.  I know it sounds awful, well at least it makes me feel awful.  But like, if I’m waiting in line at the express check out, and you have a whole cart, and the poor clerk isn’t brave enough to tell you that you’re breaking the rules, part of me just really hopes someone is out there denting your car in the parking lot.  I feel really guilty about that some times.

I don’t really know who to talk to about those sorts of feelings, I guess to you they might sound not so bad, but it really bothers me.  I used to talk about that sort of thing with my therapist.  Then I found out that he was really just posing as my therapist, my actual therapist had been put in cryogenic suspension, and it was actually a big plot by this evil organization to make a clone of me to undermine superheroes everywhere!  Needless to say I didn’t make my next appointment.  I’ve thought of going back, I really miss having someone to talk to about these sorts of things, it’s probably bad that I’ve considered assisting the forces of evil just so I have someone to talk to eh?

But yah, people get tired.  I think one of the best ways to, I guess hang in there is to have friends, you know, like good friends.  The sort you do stuff with, the sort that you share memories with, and in my case, maybe even fight the forces of evil and injustice with.  I think friends are a really important part of life, and I really miss having friends, but, you know when you have evil aliens, and vampires, and mad scientists banging down your door all the time, you kind of have to be careful who you let in.  Nothing worse than having a really good friend get turned into a swamp mutant that you have to battle to the death.  (That was a really lousy camping trip for the record!)

I formed a league once.  You know, a league of super heroes.  It was a lot of fun, and I miss it a lot.  There were a bunch of us too, we thought of getting action figures made up, but you’d be amazed at the upfront costs of the design, and even though they can eventually pay for themselves, the amount of effort you need to put into a toy line just doesn’t seem worth it when you could be fighting that giant squid that turned up off the coast of Florida.

We had a great time though, we’d have social mixers once a week, we’d meet at the Human Flamer’s house, man that guy was so gay, I mean, like not that I have a problem with that, but like, he managed to stitch flame retardant rainbows into his wallet, there’s just a certain point where you really wonder about a guy’s sanity you know?  Like, do the forces of evil care if your wallet is super gay?  But, in general super heroes are a bit weird.  Then again I guess if you had the fate of the world and the awful burden of a love of Justice you’d probably be a little crazy too.  We tried to get a group rate on therapy once, that’s when the Brianiac discovered that all our payments were being funneled to an off shore account that had popped up on some FBI… there were a lot of links, some of them involving numbers, but he was sure it was all part of an evil cloning plot.  You’d really be surprised at how often evil cloning plots come up.  Sure mainstream medicine can’t even get farm animals cloned too well, but those evil geniuses have it down pat!

I really miss my days in the league, those guys were some of my best friends ever.  There was of course like I said the Human Flamer, (so gay) the Brianiac, the Gazelle, Smoke Screen, the Journey Man, the Peace Maker, Snap Shot, Ten Face, Fly Boy, Lady Smash, Ninja Robot 12, and of course we can’t forget the Curious Revenge.  I mean, there were more, don’t get me wrong, we actually had a pretty full roster sometimes, but people tended to fade in and fade out.  Everyone kind of had their own idea of what it meant to fight for Justice.  We didn’t always get along, heck sometimes I thought Smoke Screen was more of a super villain than a super hero.  I shouldn’t say that, Smoke Screen was a good guy, he just never seemed to really let you in close you know, never really showed his cards.

I mean, well none of us showed our cards, I could run into most of those guys at the store and I wouldn’t even know them, well aside from the Gazelle, she never really wore a mask, and Ten Face was pretty tall, I could probably figure out it was him if we started talking.  Not to mention sometimes we’d slip out of our deeper more super sounding voices.  People don’t think about that, but while a mask and costume do a really good job of hiding things, it’s really hard to make sure you always talk differently than you do normally.  Curious Revenge used to talk with a mexican accent, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t mexican… then again, I’m not sure he was a he.

But in the end, we broke up.  I mean, some of them still get together to fight evil together.  There’s just some jobs that are too big for one hero, and there’s only so many times you can be suspended over a tank of hungry sharks without thinking, hey maybe I should have txted the Journey Man to give me a hand.  The Journey Man and I still keep in touch, we hang out on the week ends, we even let each other in on our secret identities, not that I really had a clue who he was even after.  It just doesn’t make sense to hide that sorta thing when you’re sleeping on someone’s couch.

It just really seemed like, even though we all cared a great deal about Truth, and Justice, and even though we really had crime on the run, there’s something about commitment, dedication.  It’s hard, people don’t like to be tied down.  I think that’s one of the hardest things in life.  Knowing that people, regardless of how much you love them, or care, or value them, it’s just hard for them to stick with you, to keep, to keep the faith I guess.

I kind of tear up when I think about it.  Is that OK?  I mean, is it OK?  Sometimes I don’t think it’s OK.  I blame myself a lot, for the league breaking up.  Maybe if I’d have made sure to send out Facebook invites more?  Or were the Facebook invites the problem?  Were the villains just not challenging enough?  I don’t think it’s more fun to fight crime on your own.  But, it just couldn’t last.  Sometimes a bunch of people would show up for the meetings, and we’d plot our course of action.  But the Peace Maker moved off to another city, the Gazelle said she couldn’t make it, Ninja Robot 12 had a real issue with a software update that put him out for months, only three of Ten Face’s faces actually wanted to be there, and the Curious Revenge just found so many things to do that weren’t league business.  It just seemed that, one by one, they found other fights to fight, and we didn’t tell each other about them, we didn’t ask for help, nobody used the Website to coordinate.  I guess all that was really hard for me.

I guess the hardest part is that we didn’t disband because our headquarters had been destroyed, and we didn’t disband because of some psychic mind games that made us all paranoid, we didn’t even disband because we disagreed about wall paper colours!  We just, disbanded cause we didn’t care anymore.  It’s one thing to be defeated by a stronger enemy, or to be gunned down when you weren’t looking, it’s another thing to just have your companions get bored of fighting crime with you.

I really miss those guys, I wish I didn’t.  But I think about them lots, I think about the good times we had, and I think about how I wasn’t lonely.  I could get off work and head straight to the league.  Well I mean, I couldn’t head straight there, I had to make sure nobody followed me, you know, loop around the block a few times, head the wrong way down a one way, that sort of thing, eventually when you were sure it was safe to go in you could, and then, you were around people who understood you, who knew you, who knew what it was like to be you.  And I miss that, I miss it a lot.

There’s something painfully dishonest about online dating.  From the flashing weight loss ads in the right hand column, to the two txt entry fields that just dare you to pour out your soul in an attempt to find someone else that wants you.  Of course nobody really wants you on these sites, they want some, ideal, but not an ideal.  They want an attainable ideal, that shouldn’t be attainable, but that is somehow attainable for them.  They don’t want someone who has lovable quirks, or a laudable soul.  They want someone better looking, with a better job, or no job yet independently wealthy, they’re not sure what they want, but they don’t want a person.  Worst of all, they don’t want you, and I’ve found, they really don’t want me.

I’m left staring at the screen, there’s a hesitation before I write.  Should I be honest?  But what exactly is honest?  Should I be funny?  Funny’s more about timing, facial expressions, tone, eye contact, good luck accomplishing any of that on the internet.  I tried being funny once, someone twice my age accused me of being too cerebral, but offered to calm my burning intellect in their hot tub.  I wasn’t looking for sex, but sex is so much easier to find.

There’s a million things you want to say on these sorts of sites, some of them aren’t even clichéd.  At least, there’s a million things I’d like to say.  I’d talk about my writing, or my taste in music, which of course then prompts someone to decide they don’t see themselves with a writer or someone who has my taste in music.  There’s a thousand bits of honesty that the soul longs to let fly, to be known, to be held, but then there’s the sinking realization that, there isn’t anyone to listen, there isn’t anyone to hold, there’s just someone to flip past your picture, like you’re a catalogued item, with a SKU.  The good ones are on back order, and hearts are commodities.

So, I set my fingers to the keys, and I write, well I type anyway, I’m a superhero.

I know what you’re thinking, I’m trying to be funny again, find someone to have a go in a hot tub?  No, I’m not joking.  I’m honestly not that funny.  I fight crime, and evil, I prevent nuclear winters, and sometimes, sometimes nobody dies.  But try being honest about that on a dating site.

I hit the delete key, and I held it down.  Long past the point where it was done erasing my lapse in judgement.  You can’t tell someone you’re a super hero, especially not on a dating site.  They’ll want to go on a fly around the city, or see your secret hide out.  Of course they assume that we all can fly and that we all have secret hideouts.  No, I don’t fly, but yes I have a secret hideout.  You have no idea how disappointed people get when they find out you can’t fly.  “Well why do you have a cape if you can’t fly?”  I swear, it’s like people think that the cape actually helps anyone fly, it’s just for decoration.  Why do you wear a bra, it’s not like it deflects gamma radiation?

I like, going outside, watching TV, talking, yah cause talking, watching TV, and going outside, that’ll help someone decide they want to spend the rest of their lives with me.  It won’t really.  I just don’t know what to write about anymore.  I, I once made a profile without a picture, and I was totally honest.  I wrote about how I’d kept the city from flooding during the last major rain storm, how I’d previously helped track down this deranged serial killer and saved a whole orphanage, and I talked about how lonely it was saving the world all by myself.  I talked about how, I wished I just had someone to come home to, someone to make me smile after the day was done.  I talked about my writing, I even put in a small poem I wrote.

Five days later, I had one message.  They said they’d like to get together for coffee some time, and you know, I was really excited.  So, I wrote them back right away, I said that there was a really nice sbux not too far from them, that I could meet them there, we could grab a drink, I don’t really like coffee but I’d have done it in a heart beat.  They said sure, and then asked me what I was wearing.  What am I wearing?  Why would you need to know what I’m wearing?  Jeans, a white tshirt, a toque. Then they started asking me to take off my shirt.  Why would you want me to take off my shirt? They said they wanted to run their hands over my rippling abs.  I, I don’t really have rippling abs, kind of average build, little bit of belly hair. I never heard back from them again.

Apparently we’re all supposed to be sexy like in the movies.  I can’t tell you the number of times I feel like pointing out that abs really don’t actually do much against death rays and alien katana blades.  Like seriously people, just this last year, I fought a ravenous pre-historic beast that was flung forward into our time by an otherworldly magic villain, I foiled the plot of an evil drug company to turn everyone into mindless zombies with a hankering for human flesh, I took down a whole organized crime syndicate all by myself, granted, my sister got them all out on bail, (It really sucks having a lawyer in the family) and I stopped two separate alien invasions, that’s two!  How am I supposed to work on my abs in between all that?

The hardest part for me, is saving the world, but having to keep the people you love so far from you.  My whole family thinks I’m just working at a shopping mall.  They don’t know anything about me really.  I’ve fallen in love, probably twice.  Both times were bad ideas, with people who really couldn’t love me back.  I mean, how could they, even if I’d told them the truth they’d never have really been able to get it.  I guess the hardest part is realizing that, for all my amazing heroics, I’ve never had anyone love me back.  I’ve never had anyone tell me that I brighten their day, every day.  I’ve never been the one who, you know, is wanted.  I’m not illusive, I’m not mysterious, I’m not anything like that.  I don’t even hide my secret identity very well.  I mean if you look at the news stories, I’m always leaving hints.  What I wouldn’t give, even just for a stalker.  You know, the sort that shows up at your lair, ties you up when you’re sleeping, hangs you over acid until you agree to love them.  Granted them you have to free yourself, there’s a huge fight, possibly some explosions.  But really, I could go for some explosions tonight.

I don’t really know what to put in here.  I guess you could just message me if you have questions?  I like a lot of stuff, like music, and going outside.  I know it’s kind of cold outside right now, but I still like it.  I write some times, nothing too much, I just like to get my thoughts out.  I like to talk, I really just like to get to know someone, even if it’s just as friends.  I’d, just really like a chance to get to know someone.

So, I woke up yesterday and said, “Today is going to be a good day!” Several annoying customers, a few accidental txts from someone I was trying to not think about, and an evening at the bar and, yesterday sucked.

Mike picked me up from work and we ended up going to some weird trading card shops, which was more fun than I’d like to admit, we ran into some friends from Prov who I haven’t seen in forever. But then Mike wanted to go out dancing, I think he’s got this sort of “Queer as Folk” style dream that he doesn’t realize isn’t going to happen. It was actually kinda funny to watch though. In the end I sat upstairs, with no friends, since apparently when you haven’t been there in 8 months the staff almost all has turned over, and all the people you used to talk to are also not there…

It’s funny I used to feel somewhat homey at the bar, even if I never really belonged. Now I don’t think I ever wanna step foot in there again. Perhaps with certain friends I would, but there’d have to be a lot of them, nothing worse than standing around in a bar with no one to talk to, lots of loud music, and a whole bunch of people you’re pretty sure would blow you off if you tried talking to them.

In the end it just was a horrible reminder of the fact that when it comes to the potential for a relationship, my odds are not exactly the best.

A certain someone kept txting me instead of someone else last night and I was about ready to tell him off. It’s kind of funny, he’s moving on in what at least seems like a healthier direction than he had been. Granted it’s not the one that I’d have picked, so it ends up bothering me. More so because I’m not involved. It’s weird. On the one hand, my altruistic nature wants to know what’s going on, and hopes that like a butterfly he’ll grow and develop and be happy. My less bright and sunny side just keeps thinking about all the aspects I don’t like about what’s going on there, and how in the end I think it’s gonna turn out one way, but then I’m reminded that he doesn’t want me so why should I care? I guess I’ve moved on from feeling OK about it, to at least being a bit bitter. I’ll move past that I’m sure, I think I was doing better with it…

Anyway, yah, I’m better than I was, I just need some distractions. Any friends who wanna hang out I’ve got Sunday and Monday off, so book your David time! My apt is even clean so we can have low budget David time!