Three Shades of Awesome

So, I’m finding myself wrapped up in grander lately. That really hasn’t happened in a meaningful way in a long time. I find myself thinking beyond tomorrow, and beyond the next year even. It’s like I’ve lifted my eyes above the safe perspective of my own feet and have taken a look at the world again. To be honest it’s thrillingly scary.

I find myself uncomfortably wondering. I stopped doing that sort of thing when I left Adullam. I resigned myself to intentional mediocrity. I didn’t want to try anymore, I didn’t want to be meaningful, I was committing as I termed it “Soul Suicide.”

I wouldn’t say I’m better, I don’t even know if this is better. But it’s a little bit more David as per usual, though perhaps a little more grown up for it all.

A few things contributed to my withdrawal from myself into myself. (By that I mean from my identity into my immediate life.) I think the first thing really was leaving college, next was having those relationships I built there that I thought would last begin to crumble. I think one of the hardest things for me was realizing that one particular close friendship that I derived a lot of strength from was far less permanent than I thought it would ever be (Jeremy.) Another incredibly profound loss occurred when I realized that there was nothing I could do to make Adullam work the way I thought it should. I’d never truly failed in ministry before. I’d given up sure, I’d moved on of course, but never truly failed what I set out to do. Typically I would accomplish far more than I meant to, and then move on.

There were a lot of other things in my life that had left me hurt, and damaged, and broken. There was my whole childhood which is a bit of a smattered mess of unfortunate circumstances, (mother given a C section without anesthetic, shattered femur which lead to months of traction and casts, which lead to a weight problem in jr. high which lead to all manner of social issues that no child should heave to deal with, which was only compounded with the realization that girls didn’t do anything for me.) There was the stuff that happened in the last Church I was really involved with. There was Josh, and three years of relapsed unrequited love.

I’m not suggesting I’m “better now.” But, in a lot of ways, I’m better than I was. I have room mates now who though sometimes frustrating, help me never feel nearly as alone. I have a pastor who takes a genuine interest in me, without the attempts at manipulation, spiritual abuse, or other hallmarks of previous pastors. Even Dan, though he may be a total lying bastard who I want to run down with a golf cart, he left me feeling a little less, less.

I don’t know if I’m growing up, if life’s getting better… or if maybe I’m just learning how to cope better. Either way though, it is really nice to feel a bit more like me.

It’s strange to say, but today, today I feel happy. I realize that this thus becomes an invitation for life to take a stick to me. But who knows, maybe who ever life brings along to beat me up will become a good friend?