Three Shades of Awesome

So, haven’t blogged in about a half a month. What is there to report?

Well typically I break my life into sections so here’s a short summary of the latest happenings in short…

-Work: I’m far too smart for my current job, I make nearly no money, doing it, I don’t feel like I’m appreciated or valued a lot of the time… but on the plus side my job security is great because they’d have to hire 3 people at least to replace me, and they’d need to hire 7 employees, train them, and have the majority quit just to get the first one to replace me.

-Romance: Well I spent 3 months recently thinking that I was on the cusp of a meaningful relationship with what seemed to be an attractive, intelligent, kind, caring young man, who was also really nice to look at. In actual fact however I spent the last three months regularly talking on the phone with a guy who would later actively seek to break my heart because he’s not comfortable with his own sexuality… he actually told me he’s dating a guy but the more I thought about it, the more I think he made it all up in the hopes that I’d go away and he could go back to being miserable and alone and unknown. Of course as per usual when David gets his heart broken… that bridge is not just burnt, but nuked, and now guarded by an angel with a flaming sword. (He was really nice to look at though.)

-Church: I’ve been dealing with a lot of I guess what I might call, “Post Adullam Syndrome.” I had a very strange irrational emotional response to some of the stuff that happened involving the area that I’m most actively involved in with the Church. But, “I’m better now.” (Sound like a video testimony at a Franklin Graham crusade.)

-Home: I finally have a home, and this is probably one of the reasons I don’t really blog much anymore. I have two room mates, Sarah and Jonny, and I spend a lot of time talking and laughing with them. They really help keep my spirits up. There have been some great things that have happened as a result of it too. Not just cheaper rent, but also a free bed that someone didn’t want that Jonny picked up while doing a move for someone. But other stuff too. I’ve even converted him into a Mac user.

Sooo, where to start. I guess I’ll start with the Church one. Last time I wrote I mentioned that weird episode I had. Well, I had one happen again after Church last week, and it was really strange. As I unpacked it more and more sometimes it makes more sense sometimes it makes less sense.

I realized a few things about what was going on. The second time the episode felt less supernatural, but was still very irrational. I realized one of the difficult things for me is to be, “just” a congregant. I mean, I have a degree in Church junk, so to just follow orders, do the heavy lifting, but not get input on where the heavy things go as it were, really bothered me.

The hard thing was, being in pain without it being anyone’s fault. I mean fault is a great thing. Even if something hurts like hell it’s better when you know who to blame. I knew to an extent who I had an option of blaming, but to blame them would be rather unfair cause there was no real fault.

I realized one of the things that was bothering me was the fact that we were using this one icon, “Rubelv’s Trinity” you can google image it if you want. While I have no major qualms with iconography, (Though it’s one of my least favourite forms of Christian art… right above DC Talk) I was left with a sense of being, supplanted, thrown away, and the metaphors could continue.

Now this wasn’t actually the case. Eventually after a few weeks of trying to avoid thinking of it, and saying nothing bothered me, I finally decided to just write my pastor and share what I was feeling with him. And I must say, it went rather exceptionally well. We talked things over, and I found out that my irrational fears were just that.

I’m finding out just how difficult it is to trust a pastor now though. Beyond the fact that I’m still having difficulty trusting God. Even more so than the stuff that happened at Adullam, the stuff that happened at the Alliance Church I was at left a great deal of scaring.

As the process of kicking me out was going on there, I pleaded with the leadership at that Church for them to be more discerning in their actions, and to consider how they’d affect me. Because the actions had very profound consequences for my life. I would have to come out to my parents which I wasn’t ready for, several friends. I mean didn’t just affect me, it affected my parents, my sister, and the list went on. I was still at Bible College for another year after that semester, and what if word somehow reached there?

After that experience it’s been very difficult for me to be truly vulnerable with an authority figure. Sure I’ll be vulnerable with friends often, even with people I don’t know. But with someone with power, someone who has a say, someone who holds the title Pastor. That, that’s still very difficult.

It helps the both my pastors are brilliant. Gerald, the sr. pastor is in so many ways what I wish I could have been as a pastor. He’s very kind, caring, and one of the best examples of Christlike acceptance I’ve ever seen. Not because he’s thoughtless in his acceptance as one might expect at a United Church for example, but because when he cares about you, he chose actively to care about you.

Tim, the pastor who I emailed about this, is flat out brilliant. One of those people who reads way too much, who always has good quotes. I’m sure my professors would love him. Sometimes his vocab is a bit college grade +. But the fact is he’s thoughtful, and he’s smart, and he’s not insecure enough in his faith that he feels a need to hurt people, which is something that’s so refreshing.

But yah… for however much I joked about the slides and stuff. I realized just how much it means to me. I try not to think about it too much, because for however artistic I might be, I have so much more to offer in ministry, but right now I just can’t deal with being hurt again, so I’m really just trying to hang back and be helpful. But when I felt like that was being taken away from me, damn it hurt like hell. A big part of it was a lack of clear communication, and well I could blame Tim for that, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s new, and he’s taking on a bit much rather quickly, and the amount of information I need to be comfortable with something, is different than a lot of people.

But I realized just how badly I need to serve in a Church. It was a rather profound realization. I once joked that I couldn’t come out because I’d have to get all new CDs. I was talking with Gerald about it on Thursday I think it was, and I realized that in many ways service for me is an addiction, or a compulsion. While I may love God, and I may want to serve and that, in many ways something feels wrong, or out of place, if I’m not actively doing something within a Church body. And doing the slide work has kind of been my way to keep a foot in the door, to continue to do something substantial, meaningful, but ultimately not overly consequential.

Today I was on slides, and though things were communicated awkwardly, I ended up going in thinking we were doing one thing, but ended up doing a totally different thing, and I found out once I was there that we were actually using my backgrounds again, and to be honest I felt horribly light. I’m scared it could come across as needy for someone to read this. But perhaps I am. Perhaps I’m the equivalent of the old lady at the baptist church I grew up in, who sang old hymns off of strange sheet music as special music numbers that always made me groan. But today I felt useful.

It was also nice because I had somebody come up and actually tell me they were glad to see my stuff back up on the screen, which actually meant a hell of a lot to me.

-Room mates…

Jonny and Sarah are awesome. Perhaps I’ll post some photos soon. But honestly I love having room mates, it makes life a lot less about work… which makes life a lot less depressing. I’m happy a lot more now that I have room mates.

-Romance

As I said before, I spent the last three months in my most wonderfully failurific nomance to date. The bridge there has been burnt to a crisp, and I’m moving on. I’m actually moving far on. I’m now at the point where I don’t plan my life to be with someone else in particular. My current profile on a plenty of fish dot com, talks about practically every reason you could not want to date me. It’s filled with cynicism, and a lack of hope… and really now, that’s how I feel about dating.

With everything that’s happened the last three or so years. I’ve learned a very profound lesson when it comes to love… “You’re screwed.” There are lots of people who find that special someone… but at the same time, most people aren’t me. I have yet to find anyone who I’ve wanted to be with who has wanted to be with me… and if history serves, that wont’ ever change. So I’m living now under the assumption I’m going to live my life alone. It’ll probably get harder and harder as all my friends marry. But I think I’ll wait for programable male cyborg husbands.

Anyway, that’s my entry today.