Three Shades of Awesome

I was thinking today on the toilet (yes I’m as crazy as Luther!) and I was thinking about the times in my life when I’ve felt most accomplished. I realized that the times I felt most accomplished was when I was a big fish in a small pond. Then I realized for many people like me, we measure our life based on our influence of others, or our power, control, just in general what’s our own.

Then I figured out that in a lot of ways I would make a sphere of influence, and then someone else could count me in their own, so then my influence was their influence by proxy. When you look at it to some degree every political party, religious organization, brand, company, a battle of pyramid scams. You embrace the ideologies set before you, you put in your time and then if you’re good enough you get to rewrite your part of the pyramid so long as you do it the way that the people above you want you to.

Really the only way out of it is to be a non-conformist, but even they have their own structure.

I’d love to say that Christianity is exempt from this, but in so many ways we bought into it worse than anyone else. The thing is though Jesus didn’t come to set up a pyramid scam, if anything He set out to break this whole system by giving us a Scripture we can’t rewrite (though with every new translation and sermon we remake God in our own image). A message of love isn’t about seeing how many people you can get on your side, or how many people you can get to pledge allegiance to your cause. And yet still today we’re marching enemy armies into rivers to baptize them.

I’m a bit cynical tonight… though I think this realization might just stick with me. I’m continually trying to revamp how I live my life to find a place where I again feel I have meaning, without being drawn into a cycle that will again leave me burnt out and empty. I need to find a way to love people without expecting them to join my system.

So I was sitting at work, and I co-worker suggested maybe I should go walk around since it was pretty dead. I was like sure. I went and checked out some electronics sections to see things I knew I could get cheaper online.

Then I stopped into the gap since I was needing a new pair of jeans and I decided to check and see if maybe they had some in my size.

Nothing can make you feel way too big than trying to shop at a normal people store when you’re my size. Their pants stop at size 36. Even at the smallest I’ve been at that would still be one size lower than I could have gotten.

It doesn’t help that my romantic fling I mentioned earlier came crashing down. I have realized as soon as I blog about anything like that it always falls apart. I kind of had a feeling it wasn’t going to last, but the really hard part I’d that out of all the guys who have flat out said they found me attractive he was the nicest, smartest, and all around best. That’s the really hard part. In the three years since I came out I’ve never met anyone who I foud that attractive who also found me attractive. Sadly there were a whole lot of things that didn’t work in my favour. The fact that he was bi, and still not comfortable with it, a bunch of things going on in his family, and to top it off him hitting it off with a cute girl.

Ugh, the whole thing just has me feeling like an empty shell. I’m just kind if running through the day doing things but not really thinking. Part of me just wants to curl up in bed and be alone, part of me wants to go out with friend and forget. Part of me just wants to punch walls and scream. The worst part is that I knew it wasn’t going to last but I still ended up going through with it. Best part is I wouldn’t give it up for a anything.

Anyway, that’s life now. Some day it’ll all work out. And then North Korea will get those nukes working

I think I loved you a little.
When your hands touched me gently.
When your eyes met mine briefly,
When your word spoke so softly.
I think I loved you a little.
When you held me so closely.
When you kissed me so sweetly,
When you spoke so very freely.
I think I loved you a little.
But we sever chords so gently.
This romance danced so briefly,
Your words still so softly.
I think I loved you a little.
Tears run so freely.
It ends so bitter sweetly,
Happiness hung so closely.
I think I loved you a little.
I think that scared you a lot.
I already miss you so much.

So, I’m in a strange mental state lately. There are a few major segments of my life, work, church, friendships, romance, and I guess you could say “home”. And it seems in all of them there is a lot of upheaval.

Work is surpisingly fine, for however much I may have not enjoyed my job other days, working at a mall kiosk is surpisingly entertaining. For how ever much I don’t see myself wanting to do it for the next decade, for at least the next while I think I can deal. There’s all kinds of little work related drama that pops up but thankfully I seem good at keeping my head down, and plugging along without giving anyone a real reason to get mad at me.

Church, church has gone from a place where I really felt safe, and in a lot of ways was a refuge from all the other stuff in my life, has now become something a lot more uncomfortable. I confess after being at Prov for all the discussions on whether or not I’m a real person, I’m not sure I wanna be there while this church talks about that. I’ve gone from being David, the guy who does artwork and stuff to the gay one. Or maybe I was always the gay one but now it feels different. I really wish I didn’t have to feel like that. Maybe it’s me just choosing to feel like that. We’ll see how the next few weeks go. I do confess though, I really do kind of want to just save myself the trouble and cut and run. I’m just so tired of living a life under a microscope and I’m not ready to do that again.

In regards to friendships I think I’m doing pretty good there. Now that I’ve severed several of my more toxic friendships I really feel like the people I have left are a lot more meaningful.

In regards to romance, well I’m kind of learning I shouldn’t blog about that sort of thing. But there is a certain someone who makes my toes curl and my mouth smile. I have my doubts as to the longevity of that simply because of a few other factors. But for now he makes me feel good about myself, and when I spend time with him I feel like life will somehow work out.

On the where I live front, my mom is desperately trying to find me an apartment before next month starts whe. I get the boot from my current one. Thus far I’ve found out that nearly every rental agency breaks the law when it comes to taking multiple applications on rooms and picking and choosing who they want. My mom has said she is ok with me moving home for a month until we can find a good apt but I really don’t like that idea at all.

In other news, two lesbians just walked by holding hands, I love the village

Well I guess that’s all for now.

So, Brian and I have apparently decided not to live with each other… which kind of sucks since I just put down a deposit on a two bedroom apartment… a really sweet one too in “Kelly House” several people from my Church live there, and in general it’s an awesome building. I would have been paying a little less than 500 for a really sweet apartment. Now if I want to keep it it’s just under a thousand, so slightly over my price range.

So I’ve got to see what happens… either it’s fine, and they’ll just give me back the deposit since the paper work hasn’t been processed… or they’ll tell me I’m screwed… I’m really hoping for the not screwed option.

I put out a few ads on craigslist and we’ll see what happens. Ideally I’d like to find an awesome room mate who I get along with great and keep the place cause it’s kind of the most killer apartment ever. It’s big, roomy and fully featured.

Anyway, oh and incase you’re wondering on an update from dinner… well dinner ended up being with Rohnin not the guy from Church, because he had to cancel and re-schedule. Apparently it’s gonna happen eventually he was just super tired from other stuff today which was fair. It’ll have to end up being later in the day then if it happens this week. But yah…

Soo… sigh. I’ve also decided I really miss preaching… I don’t miss church work… I just miss challenging people to think deeper and more vividly about their faith and life… sigh.

So, today was, uncomfortable, but good but… difficult. I think in a lot of ways difficult is the best way to describe it.

I was at Church this morning, and it was one of those Sundays where a lot of things didn’t quite go the way they had been planned. Somebody was supposed to be showing the Church’s new website (done in iWeb I was proud!) But there were some issues since the person had used a Mac specific font because as she put it standard fonts like Times New Roman, Arial (my fave), and Tachoma, were “boring” apparently everyone should have the same fonts (Not just those silly “web safe ones”). So there were issues getting that ironed out and looking OK before the service started, which meant we never got to double check that we had he right version of a song up to go with what the worship leader planned on singing, (but boy was that background I drew the night before pretty!) but slight technical hickups were quickly forgotten after what happened midway through the service.

See, my pastor decided to “Address the elephant in the room” (always nice to be called an elephant… I think I need to hit the gym again.) and say, yes there are gay and lesbian people (actually I don’t know of lesbians but at least a gay guy and a bi guy) attending the Church, and our pastor is fine with that. He gave a pretty eloquent delivery of that too. He started out by talking about how he smoked when he was younger and people used to make a big deal about that, then he knew someone he worked with in a Church who got divorced, and people made a big deal about that, but both today we’d be a lot more understanding of. (Though to be honest I don’t want no smokers in my Church! I hear they’re going to hell! Not to mention they smell bad.)

It was actually one of the best non-confrontational approaches I’ve ever seen, (this pastor has always impressed me with his ability to appeal to both sides of something). I saw a lot of heads nodding, and while there were one or two things that I might have preferred if they were phrased differently. (IE it’s no more of a struggle for me to be gay than it is for you to be straight) They were things easily overlooked given the place you could obviously tell his heart was coming from. It was all going pretty well till a gentleman in the back of the Church, we’ll say confronted the pastor on what he felt was the need to address “it” as sin.

I confess inside I was kind of recoiling like like an abused puppy. It really was strange since you know, I’ve heard far worse from people when I went to college. I was the first openly gay student, I heard everything from, “You’re lucky we still even call you a Christian,” to, “I think you’re just gay because you want attention,” to, “You’re disgusting.” Well OK and worse but I won’t post that stuff.

But this, this was different, I never really truly felt totally safe at college, the whole point of college was to make you uncomfortable, challenge what you believed, learn be stretched, not to mention I was already pretty hardened already from being excommunicated the previous year… in a lot of ways I had an armour of scars and nothing was going to cut me too terribly deep. (Not that I didn’t spend frequent nights sobbing in my dorm room alone).

This, this was different. The person shouting across the room wasn’t some ignorant freshman who thinks he knows everything cause he can translate the word anthropos. This was the dad of someone at Church who while I may not be super close with, I’d consider a friend. This was someone who I’d had casual pleasant conversation with several times, and who I knew actually liked me. It was confusing, and to be honest it kind of tore my heart out.

It really shouldn’t have surprised me, it shouldn’t have caught me off guard, but in so many ways my Church really has felt like home, and I’m a lot less sure of myself than I was in college. Back then God and I were going to take on the world, and those who stood in my way be damned! (Not literally) Today, I don’t have that kind of fight with me, I went and took on the world and, while I had my small victories, I got the crap kicked out of me.

I’ve been in a place where I’ve been trying to heal. To be honest it’s been hard to pick up my Bible. No, it’s not cause I’m gay, since coming out I’ve had many periods where I felt intense intimacy with God. To be honest after resigning from Adullam, I came to a place where I have great difficulty truly trusting God. When it comes down to it, am I still loyal to Him? Yes, but I am with a great deal more trepidation because before I didn’t believe He’d let me fall, I’ve since discovered that things weren’t quite how I thought they were, and now I’m not sure how I’m supposed to think they are.

All that to say, even though my relationship with God has been a bit more at arm’s length lately, coming to my Church, and being able to participate in unique ways like by doing the slide graphics on Sunday morning has really been a healing time for me. A time where I’m able to serve without necessarily having to be in a leadership role, or teaching people or this that and the other thing. I just get to do something that I’m good at, where there’s no real chance of failure. More than anything I just wanted to contribute with no risk of failure.

Today even my failure proof ministry feels like a failure. My hope was to just be the person who happened to be gay, who contributed in a way that was helpful and hopefully appreciated. I just wanted to be able to be me, and serve. Today I stopped being David and I became an issue. “Homosexuality” needed to be talked about, because THE BIBLE SAYS IT’S SIN! I just wanted to scream out, “No it doesn’t!” The hardest thing is I know the person doing the shouting doesn’t hate me, or doesn’t mean to or, whatever. He’s just trying to do what’s right. And because there’s a lot more money in being anti-gay than there is in being accepting, there’s still a huge bias in the Church. It’s hard to have done all the research, and be able to explain it to people, but still know that so many people are going to have a hard time listening, because believing anything other than that gay people are inherently “less-than” sinners makes you a liberal person who’s picking and choosing what they want to believe.

It’s hard cause you can do no research and call other people hell bound heathens, or you can do the arguably more hurtful thing where you welcome them into the Church but then regularly ignore anything they say and dismiss them as, “the homosexual sinner” who obviously couldn’t understand such pious things as tithing or prayer. But if you study, if you look at the original texts, if you put scripture in dialogue with itself and discern a reasonable conclusion, well then you’re just some sinner who wants to justify their “life style.”

It just sucks, I mean… I took four years of my life and devoted it to biblical study. (That and a little couch stacking, and freshman counselling) I just feel so sick of having people tell me that I can’t talk to them about the morality of who I am, because I have an interest in the outcome of the discussion.

Anyway, so yah… things were kind of heated at Church today, our pastor actually was pretty good at keeping his cool though you could tell he was not very appreciative of the out burst. (Though in fairness his credibility was being challenged and any pastor would find that offensive, I wouldn’t have been nearly as cool headed.) It actually stopped when someone who I really didn’t expect it from, started crying, and basically said I’m not sure if I still want to be a Christian if this is how we behave. Or something. It was actually pretty deep. I think that actually put a damper on things which was good. I’d actually started to have a few tears pool up in my eyes that I was trying to hide. In general the mood was pretty somber.

I decided while all that was happening that I wanted to invite the person at the back of the Church for dinner. After all the best way to deal with anything is with food, kindness, and potentially booze! I’m kidding about the booze part I won’t pay for anyone else’s liquor. But I figure one on one, with a bit of story telling I might be able to help him both understand me, and allow him to know that his concerns aren’t ignored, and that he’s understood. Really I know he’s a good person, I think if he has more of a frame of reference he very well might either change his mind, or at least change his attitude.

Least… that’s my hope.

Anyway, I hope that this doesn’t come across as suggesting it was my pastor vs. the church. If anything people seemed to either not want to take a side, or wanting to side with being gracious. Afterward I had several people come up to me and tell me that they were sorry for what happened. I even had someone write me a note saying, “relax not everyone feels like that” while it was all happening. I even got taken out to Baked Expectations for a free lunch afterward. So, like… I guess my Church doesn’t feel as safe as it did before, but at least I know I’m cared for.

Anyway, so that was today. You can feel free to pray for my time with this person tomorrow. I really hope it goes well, I hope our conversation can be filled with peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control.

So what’ve I been up to? Working a lot, I think I actually worked six days last week I’m not sure if it was an accident or if I’m getting another day off… I think it was a mistake but my boss is super busy so I’ll talk to her later?

Anyway I’m gonna be moving in with Brian next month, we thought of getting a place for me him and another friend of his, but finding a three bedroom apt is really hard, and finding one downtown is pretty dang hard. Apparently there is actually a two bedroom apt in my apartment building so we’re looking at potentially doing that since we know my current apartment doesn’t suck, the location is good, and moving would be a breeze! Well it would be easy for me, for Brian it’ll be a pita either way.

What else? Well I need to get my stuff together and start applying for Red River College next year. I think I’ve finally hit the point where I’m not just joking about going back to school, or even talking about going to school, I’m like actually planning on doing it… which is really weird for me.

I confess the idea of going back to school for design kind of scares me. I’ll be 26 years old by next fall, I’ll be like the old guy that didn’t get his career right the first time. Not to mention I swear it’ll hurt a lot if some 19 year old kid is pumping out work that I think is better than mine… which is sure to happen since while my stuff is good I always think everyone else’s stuff is better since I’m so used to the stuff that I find easy.

It does feel good to be getting my life back on track though finally. I’m moving on, and moving up. I’m realizing that ultimately when it comes down to it nobody really gives a crap about what I have to say, and honestly that’s cool. Besides when I can say it with pretty pictures it tends to impact more anyway. I’ve had far more people tell me at Church that they appreciate the drawings I’ve done than I ever heard people tell me they enjoyed my sermons… not that my sermons were bad, actually my sermons were freaking awesome. But while I wouldn’t mind preaching again at all, I simply don’t think that I could do anything more than lay ministry without burning out. I guess I’m growing up and realizing my limitations?

I confess I’ve also been batting around dreams of becoming a famous visual artist, preferably with a really nice house, you know the kind with a circular drive way and hot women wanting to sleep with me (Not that they would cause I’m gay but you know… it’s nice to be wanted… wait women don’t want to sleep with graphic artists? That’s weird!)

Yah… today was my day off, I sat in bed all day watching cartoons, it was great. It’d almost one AM and I kinda wanna go for a walk but I probably shouldn’t since it’s really late at night and nothing’s really open but I could totally get mugged which wouldn’t be fun.

In other news iTunes 9 came out today, with Facebook and Twitter integration, though not the way that the rumoured photos had suggested (thank goodness) The new iTunes store looks slick, though to be honest I think if anything it’s a bit cluttered. The problem is that they have sooooo much content now. I wouldn’t be surprised if 90% of the content purchased is bought through the search feature cause trying to find anything through the actual pages is nearly impossible. But in general I think it is a lot more slick looking… and really that’s the important part.

Hmmm other than that… yah I spent most of the day watching cartoons… that was fun. All in all I’m actually feeling strangely good… which is nice for a change.

Ever just wonder about the meaning of your life? It’s a scary thing to do unless you’re really happy with where you are. I can understand now why people use things like cell phones and cars as status symbols instead of things that are unique. I mean having a large movie collection is a lot easier that helping victims of abuse or something.

It’s also incredibly easy to get trapped in simply living to afford your entertainment. I think probably more than any other time in history we are being ruled by our money and things we own. More than any other time I can think of we are slaves to things that temporarily alter our brain chemistry in our pleasure zones.

All this to say I’m trying to find new meaning in life. For a long time I found meaning in my love of God, that then grew into a sense of purpose from loving my neighbour. Unfortunately I’ve found living like that is the perfect way to experience soul crushing burn out.

I’m now left wondering what I can do that is in line with my values that were developed in that part of my life but doesn’t require me to effect social justice changes or anything of the sort because the whole thing makes me feel ill and tired.

I recently met two different individuals that sparked romantic thoughts in me again. This is probably one of my most dangerous weaknesses. More than anything it seems I crave someone to hold in my arms and hear them say that they love me in manner that is exclusive to our relationship.

That perpetual carrot I’ve been running after seems to cause me no end of psychological discomfort. I continually try and build up my walls as it were, but every time I throw them down as I start to believe that this time things could be different.

What I don’t understand is how I keep letting myself get into these situations. I’ve noticed a few major problems, that also come from this. My capacity to make cheap and shallow, though seemingly meaningful friendships seems to know no bounds. In my perpetual and never ending quest to find love, acceptance and hope I’ve mastered the art of the pretty throw away friendship. I’ve gotten so good at it that now when a friendship goes sour I burn the bridge so badly it’ll never be fixed simply because I’m so unwilling to accept criticism, partly because I’m not inclined to give it myself.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. This is my blog. Perhaps I’ll post something interesting in the future.

Ep2: The Colour Are Left

So that’s an audio recording of a poem I just wrote last night, I was kinda in a not the best sort of mood. I’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately, working at the mall is nice because I get to see lots of different people regularly, but on the other hand since I’m working so many nights I can’t get together with friends as often as I’d like… not that I have that many close friends to get together with these days…

Do you know what colours are left?
That still swim within the soul.
Reds and blues, yellow perhaps,
But the tone is bleeding like the night.
Like painting with crude,
Charcoal on charcoal,
What is left is hardly pretty,
I think I’ve gotten gritty.
A soloist on a stage for a choir,
And I think I’m singing out of tune.
Sound like a preacher when the game’s on,
You’re all looking at the cheer leaders.
And I’m not sure where my name’s gone,
I think I lost it under your couch.
One half of a pair,
The other is… somewhere.
Charcoal on charcoal,
I’ll sketch my soul for you,
If you promise not to look.
I’ll tell you everything about my heart,
As you slumber beyond words.
Telling tales of broken dreams,
And realized fears.
I’ll leave the world to better messiahs,
And hope they’ll save a dance for me.
Someone else can free the slaves,
Just let me know on Facebook.
What’s left of my smile is fleeting,
The life in these eyes is gone.
Joy is like a weed quickly pulled,
And stamped out by bank balances.
Playing cards don’t pay the rent,
Talking with you, doesn’t move life on.
There’s a job to be done, for an hourly wage.
And hope has lain me out too many times.
Optimism is sure to disappoint,
Pessimistic prophesies are self fulfilled.
Charcoal on charcoal, on a charred soul.
Do you know what colours are left?
All I can see is the lights going out.